This ALL was Only Wishful Thinking!!!!!

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 21:48:20 GMT

I was just thinking alot.. and stumbled over my old picturetrail which was filled with me and nels. So i made this...

Farwell to the old me

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 04:33:55 GMT

I gave it alot of thought, and from now on, im gonna have a fresh start. I have no strings attached right now, no boyfriend, no real commitment in my life, i just got outta the hospital from trying to end my life, so it should tell me something isnt right. SOOOO Here's a Cheers to the New Carissa. (maybe its a symbolic thing, maybe no one will even beable to tell that i changed a little, but this is for me.)
Farwell to the old me, thats includeing this journal.

I have a new Livejournal, if you want it than just ask me on AIM
How can I ask love to hold the mystery
When just look at me
It's all push and pull collateral
I don't want to be the one who gets the next surprise
I'll plan it out this time
Though I used to think that things were meant to be

So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is working better now
It's always changing anyhow

I danced a lot of nights until the grass was wet
It wasn't over yet
'Round 'bout 3 a.m. you made a friend
And I followed a lot of vital crazy thoughts
Because it's where the meaning was
And I tried to find it every other way

So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is getting better now
But always changing anyhow

But I can turn on the charm
Show them nothing more
Than what I've done before
It's nothing much new
But it'll do
'Cause I don't wanna be the one who makes you laugh out loud
I wanna make you proud
And you always said you knew what I could be

So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is working better now
But always changing anyhow
Time
And the old me
Farewell to the old me
Farewell... </b></a>

You cant find nothing at all

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 22:43:18 GMT

Life is Pretty gooooooooood =P

Its snowing outside!! <3 awww I love the snow, I know ill get sick of it soon, but Right now, im lovin it.

My 16th Birthday is coming up in January!!! You all know what THAT means... HUGE Party! =)

Music = Life
Im so glad i got an Ipod lol

I LOVE DRIVERS TRAINING.

Im gonna celebrate the Snow with Jr and Jason later haha if you catch on... ::wink wink::

I miss Jenny, where are you my hunny bunny??

AHHH Ashley, my insperationer hahahha i love you

Pickin up the pieces of a life you BROKEN!
dunananannananana ahhhhh

Under the Cut is basically how my life is right now.. So if you really wanna know.. Push it lol

One through Ten Rating on how shit is going. Ten being the Highest and Bestest

School - Nine point Nine
School is really good, I love it at Alternative. No homework, so i get to do anything i want after school, and I can get away with anything. Also me and Stephanie are like Best Friends now. Im so glad she's there. and I love being with her, Natalie, Camilla, and even Erin. Oh ya and how could i forget Jason lol The guys are halarious, and i dunno even tho im not really myself there, i can just relax and take it easy the whole day. Plus i have open lunch, so I bring people back to my house, and we do whatever. Yup. School is finally fun for me. but i miss Groves alot, when im there i get this natural High lol it sounds stupid but i dunno its hard to explain, In groves im myself, the Crazy, stupid, "I dont care what you think" Me. So im trying my hardest to do it Half and Half next year, but we will see =)

Home - Eight
Yesterday i would of put it as a negitive four, but I talked to my Mom about it all and i found out alot of things, and now its all going back to Normal. Yes, my whole family knows, including my brother, and i can tell my brother and dad are being really cautious of what the say around me.. Its kinda uncomfortable, but i know they just care. Someday things will be back to complete normal.. i hope..

Friends - One Hundred Eighty Two
I have the bestest Friends ever.. I am so lucky to have each and every one of you guys. I was just thinking about it the other day, and thinking about how lucky i am.. i have like a billion best friends lol and I know they Care and are always there for me. I love you guys so much, thanks for careing and being here for me during this really really hard time.. Im sorry i scared you guys when i was in the hospital.. But dont worry, I wont leave you now. Best Friends till the end. forever. I wont break these promises.

Love Life - Eight point Eight
I finally reached that point where i love being single, and i proved that i dont need a guy to be happy. IN YOUR FACE all of the people who said i did. hahahaha
BUT to inform you of everything, I dont know when im gonna settle down lol Im just having fun goofing around, going on dates, kissing whoever i want lol =P buttttttt There is one boy who makes my heart race everytime i talk to him...
His name is Kelly. Ya, that one, the kid who i met on the haunted hayride. I really really like him. He makes me smile, and makes me feel a million different feelings inside! like im falling in love all over again <3 Its amazing. but, he lives 46 minutes away, sooo, i know we probably wont have a serious relationship, well at least not until i have my liscense. Or we would have one of those open relationships =P lol i wouldnt mind that. but Me and Kelly are gonna hang out pretty soon, whenever we can, and im soooo excited, You guys have no clue, i have a really wierd feeling about this one.. i feel like, im gonna fall in love =D He is such a sweetheart, ahhhhh but, dont worry i wont let myself get too hurt, but AHHHHH Kelly.. lol ahh
Also, just lettin ya guys know, im livin it up, and by that i mean just dating and screwing around till i find a really good guy who i wanna kinda settle down with, but im only 15, so who knows.. BUT
In Drivers Training i have a huge crush on the kid that sits in front of me =) He is soooooo cute, and we talk and laugh and ahhhh lol CUTIE PIE! and +Jamie, He is cute, i love kissing him, ahh Okay my love life is REALLY good hahaha

Dealing with my Problems (that night, the hospital thing) - Nine
Im doing REALLY well with this. I dont really wanna get into it, but i dunno i dont really like talking about why i did it, i dont really know if anyone knows the whole story behind it all. oh well, lol enough of that, im doing good.

My apperance - five
I have my ups and downs with this one. I know im not UGLY, but i love feeling pretty with makeup and doin my hair and all that lol and recently its just been.. blah, cause of everything thats been going on, but soon its gonna be up there and im gonna have confidence and all that lol i mean, its hard to explain lol Im going shopping soon for some jeans, and im doing slim fast again, Im gettin my hair done soon, and gettin new makeup lol Ya im spoiled.. i know. but whatever, i need new shit. Today i look hawt lol im finally believeing it when guys call me hawt, like.. the ton that do, lol Kelly says im hawt.. AWWW isnt that CUTE?!? yes, yes it is. lol and guess what, he actually likes me and doesnt wanna just Boink me.. HAHAHAHA oh good times good times.

God - Eight
Ya, i believe in god again, I pray, and pray for others. I read the bible, and all that. So me and god are on good terms now. I love him, he loves me, we are one big happy family. yada yada. the end

Just Life - Eight
Overall Life has been going really good for me. I feel better about myself. I dont wanna end it. Drivers training is good. Boys are good. My friends are the best in the world. I have goals. Im pretty. School is great. Yes i smoke now but i really dont care much, & If i do settle down with Kelly, there wont be any promises with no drinking or smoking or anything, ah he might be the best boyfriend ever lol gawd, i want him. Anywho, I love partying, well, i think we all do when we are young, but im taking advantage of it now, its so much fun, and whenever i get the chance to do anything i jump right on that, and im not talking about just drugs, i mean any oppertunity. Take risks, live, be Crazy, you know, my usual self. and guess what, Im happy again. hahahahahhaa Ya, guess what. I love you

Im going over Jamies now for a snowball fight!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOP Bye Ya'll

Oh, & its never THE End

Did i mention that it stings like hell?

Sat, 19 Nov 2005 20:27:56 GMT

Ive had a rough couple of days..
But, im glad im still here. I did alot of thinking, and my mind is completley re-newed.
Sorry that i scared all of you. I just felt like i couldnt handle anything anymore i guess, but now i know i can, so this wont happen again.
But also i have to say, the New south building at beaumont is awesome! Its really comfy, and kind of homey, it reminded me of a hotel.. sort of. without all the wires, beepings, and blood.
I hate Dennis. (minister at Ferndale) He doesnt know me at all. he can go suck a monkeys nut. (and Donna called him an idiot, lmao nice)
I havent decided yet to go to youth club at Ferndale or drop it all together.. Alex really wants me to go, and i know Jenny enjoys going.. so ill probably end up going.

I feel alot better.

Thank you for all the gifts, cards, notes, balloons, flowers, visits, and prayers.
Sorry that i did this to you guys. I guess i was only thinking of myself when i did it.. but now you guys have nothing to worry about, cause i feel so much better, and alive, and happy =)
Awww Thanks for visiting Ang, Ash n Andrew!! You dont know how much it meant to me.

So. I got this new plan for myself. I layed it all out, and had alot of time in the hospital to think about it all. So now all i have to do is take action. lol ahhhhhh

KELLY!! AHHH I WANNA SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3

Its my cousins Birthday tomorrow!! Im goin out to eat with him. He got me this really pretty necklace when i was in the hospital.. it was so cute. I love him so much <3

Drivers training is kick ass!!! I love it, but i have homework to do, so ill update more later

I LOVE ALL OF YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!

You kissed me like you meant it

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 15:43:32 GMT

Alot has happend since my last update, so be prepared for a BIG post =P

Me and Jamie broke up. Its not that i didnt love him, or didnt like him, cause i still do, its just complicated. But we are best friends and still hang out <3
& Not even an hour after that, I got asked out =O (by Kelly)

Fall Rally was seriously AMAZING. I met alot of new people, and saw people that i dont get to see often. Ah i loved it!! Me Alex Alie n Ang went up and slept there from friday to saturday. It was so amazing, and JUSTEN Came!! Awww i miss that kid, but me and him are gonna partay together soon =) <3 He is so cute
I could write a billion things about fall rally, lets just say i laughed SO hard, was actually my crazy outgoing self, and wouldnt stop smiling! =) oh and alot of people thought me and Alex were going out, hhaaha We have such a Crazy relationship.
Saturday to Sunday We all slept over Angies! omg, HAHAHA that was halarious! MY MOM! AHHH! Alex like fell ontop of me. Omg so many inside jokes now lol
SUCK IT IN! SUCK IT IN! THINK ABOUT YOUR DOUBLE CHIN!
::Alex dies in the background:: haha

A Social worker came in and talked to me, made me kind of depressed.. she was like "Wow you have lost alot of people that meant the world to you all at once.." and i dunno it was just like, yup lol

SO. Do you all remember that Kelly kid i met on the hayride?? =) Me and him talk everyday, and this is exactly how i felt before i met Nels! even tho i met Kelly already, i still dont know much about him, but he already asked me out lol (i said no tho) but I dont know, he is so sweet, and cute, and i feel myself falling for him more and more. He makes me SO happy!! Im not gonna get my hopes up just yet tho, Me and him are supposed to hang out pretty soon =) and When we kiss I will know for sure if i am falling in love, again, or if it was just false hope for my heart to belong to someone else. ahhh! I feel like i love him. Under the cut is some of our conversation! GUYS i cant stop smiling!! =)

SO. He called me <3 and we talked for a lil bit, and he is so cute on the phone ahhh But his dad came on and said he needed the phone so we had to go.
So he text me, and this was our convo, omg hehe<3

Him: My dads gonna be using the phone for a while I probably wont be able to call =( but we can text or IM eachother
Me: Ya thats fine, You have a really cute voice, i like it =)
Him: Thankx I like your voice to, its so hot
Me: I didnt wanna hang up, I love talking to you
Him: Ya i got that feeling too, its like i've known you for so long
Me: Kelly! i wanna see you! come move in with me lol
Him: Ya i wish i could, so i could see you everyday
Me: Your to good to be true
Him: Why do you think that?
Me: Cause your cute and perfect. No wonder your a player lol
Him: Its like i've had girlfriends before, but none of them are as fun to talk to or as good looking as you
Me: I feel like i love you, but i cant.. right? I mean we met once lol
Him: lol could it be love at first site?
Him: lol i did have a fortune cookie that said i will find true happiness soon
Me: This may sound stupid, but ive been going through some hard shit, and ive been praying to be truly happy and to find someone.. Maybe your the answer.
Him: Thats not stupid
Him: I got to see you SOON!
Him: If we do hang out soon what do you wanna do?
Me: I dunno, lol, what do you wanna do?
Him: Idk, we could go to your house and watch a movie and cuddle =)
Me: Aww I love cuddleing, Being in your arms sounds so good right now
Him: I know, waiting will make it that much better when we do get together
Me: Ya, im gonna go get bed, ill talk to you tomorrow love, Sweet dreams =)
Him: Night, Love you, dream of me =)

& than last night I went over Jamies to take a walk in the rain and He text me saying
Him: Well i g2g to sleep, good night and ill talk to you tomorrow, love you lots! bye :-*

Ya Ya ya, I know i might get my hopes up, but my heart got broken so bad before that i know what would be coming and i would know how to handle myself if things dont work out. Im not really expecting them to tho, He lives 46 min away lol Long distance relationships never last, but gawd, i dont know but my heart has his name all over it right now. I seriously havent felt this way since.. well you know. and ive had 2 boyfriends since than.. so.. i dunnooooo lol I love Kelly, ah he is amazing. Im glad im a spaz and asked for his # on the hayride hahahaa
and plus, what is a life without taking Crazy Chances?!? Duh.

Its funny, people think im a lesbian.. YESSS!!!
Kelly + Carissa = Lesbian LOVERS haha

I love my best friends!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

something larger than life

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 00:16:36 GMT

I love my boyfriend <3 =) He let me "borrow" his fav hoodie, awwwwwww hahahaa
I wore it yesterday, and today.. lol

Drivers Training was yesterday!!! call me a geek, but i liked it. Me and Ang embarrased ourselves by being 10 min late haha and the teacher is about to get her vocal cords ripped out, Shes a ditz.
Im really looking forward to it tho, 3 weeks! I drive for the first time next Monday, and than Wednesday. (cough first time cough) haha I love being with Angie, we are so loud, crazy, and funny together. I seriously was gonna pass out from laughing so hard in that class "theres this really fat kid just STARRING at me!" HAHAHAHA oh god. i love you Frat, your amazing. You made my whole week hahaha

I guess i can call Bad days, Normal days now, right?
So i guess i had a normal day today. ( + & -)
- Woke up crying from a nightmare >>Used to that shit tho<<
- Frog is really dieing..
- Dad yelled at me this morning
- Ran out of Ritalin and guess what? They gave me a surprise Meap, and i couldnt finish it, cause i couldnt consintrate
+ A kid @ my school knows Chris Fundaro! and he is gonna get me his #!!!
+ No one came home with me for lunch, thank god.
+ Me and the Boys talked alot today, i just noticed lol I <3 Franky!
- Girl Drama
- Was supposed to go to the mall with Ashley, Andrew n Jen. But Andrew told them i couldnt go? even tho i never said that..? So i just assumed he/they didnt want me to go, i wasnt gonna make it a big deal so i said fine. Dont really care, just dont know why he would say that..
- Jamie and I got into a little fight, and didnt hang out today.
+ I made Keesh
+/- Making dinner with my mom tonight
+/- Its a ME night, im gonna give myself a make over lol
+ Jenny came over for a few min and showed me her hair! She is HAWT!! i love her <3
+ New gilmore girls is on tonight!! woop woop

> Time cutting socks in shreds. Left on the floor with dust bunnys. Pick up the treasure-pick it up fast. Hurry hurry, Is this enough to keep the ring glowing from the past??
Lost cause - you feel the pressure of a frogs stare. the Blank tv wieghs you down. Mr. Fixit, please i beg you, Fix this Tv of mine and i promise you can keep it when your through.
He trys, and gets all his audience to try it out too. No matching colors. "The only one who can fix this, is the one who holds the remote control. The Devil Donkey with DryErase marks on his soul"
Liar! LIAR! Bloody drawings and Muddy cloths creep up on me. Truck? is the only way to show my favorite movie once again. Sew the socks back together to find the truth in the depths of his shoe weather. <

Breath + stretch + shake
let it go

Boys like you are a dim a dozen

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 20:35:55 GMT

Main Subject recently: SEX

Alternative high = Drama fights & Drug Addicts

"I love you"

Secrets out.

Friday >> Skipped School. Hung out with my Boyfriend. He told me he loved me <3
Saturday >> Woke up early, Went back over to Jamies house around 8:30am. I helped him with Yard work, and we got Mcdonalds. I dont know why, but i really enjoyed it..
Came home, Jenny and Alex came over. Watched Tru Calling, and laughed alot. I love Alex
I wish that fucked up shit didnt happen to me, it really messes me up, especailly when shits a joke.. =/ Sorry Jen. I love you
I snuck out with Jessie and Jamie. It was a blast, i seriously thought i was gonna die, it was halarious "The leaves! THEY'RE OUT TO GET US!" hahaha
We were all really messed up.. hahaha mmmmm Ice cream!!
Jamie makes me feel so pretty =P I love him.
Sunday >> Went out to eat with My family + both Grandmas. I actually had fun. It was one of those "Family Moments" lol
I got my RC car back! So hopefully ill get it running than Me and Jamie can race =)

Random list
+Drivers Training starts today with Angie.
+No Drivers Training tomorrow tho, so im Hangin out with Jamie <3
+No Youth club for 3 weeks.
+Fall Rally is this weekend! Im going up on friday with Ang n Alie.
+My moms making me a Doctor's app.
+One week today <3

-Its a Jenny thing-
Nose smells like you, but its cold for him. Wrap your heart up in a paper brown bag & hand it over, but mines empty. Paranoia?? The devil with blue eyes. "He is a chicken shit" & does the pettiest things. Comet Burger to find shadows of the colors. Chalkboard Erase marks on your arms. Sometimes you just gotta leap, when no one is looking. Jump. Jump. Fall and fade away to nothing. Your body crys of his presence. STOP! NO! These words are meaningless. push Reverse. fuck you. Do you feel it? #1 Actress award goes to... That girl over there, the one in the road, with the blood surrounding her. Never grow out of you. Shit happens for a reason. LIAR. I miss you. Nothing is worth being strangers.did i mention, Key chains mean forever.
did i mention??
did i mention???
DID I MENTION I MISS YOU?!?

Graduated High School.
Kissed someone.
Smoked cigarettes.
Got so drunk you passed out.
Rode every ride at an amusement park.
Collected something really stupid.
Gone to a rock concert.
Helped someone.
Gone fishing.
Spun turn tables.
Watched four movies in one night.
Gone long periods of time with out sleep.
Lied to someone.
Been dumped.
Snorted cocaine.
Failed a class
Smoked weed.
Dealt drugs.
Taken a college level course.
Been in a car accident.
Been in a tornado.
Done hard drugs (i.e. ecstasy, heroin, crack, meth, acid).
Watched someone die.
Been to a funeral.
Burned yourself.
Ran a marathon.
Lost your virginity.
Your parents got divorced.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Spent over $200 in one day.
Flown on a plane.
Cheated on someone.
Been cheated on.
Written a 10 page letter.
Gone skiing.
Been sailing.
Cut yourself.
Had a best friend.
Lost someone you loved.
Shoplifted something.
Been to jail.
Had detention.
Skipped school.
Got in trouble for something you didn't do.
Stolen books from the library.
Dropped out of school.
Gone to a different country.
Been in a mental hospital.
Watched the "Harry Potter" movies. But, not all of them...
Had an online diary.
Fired a gun.
Gambled in a casino.
Had a yard sale.
And a lemonade stand.
Actually made money at the lemonade stand.
Been in a school play.
Been fired from a job.
Taken a lie detector test.
Swam with dolphins.
Gone to sea world.
Attempted suicide.
Voted for American/Australian Idol.
Written poetry.
Read more than 20 books a year
Gone to Europe.
Loved someone you couldn't have.
Wondered about your sexuality.
Used a coloring book over age 12.
Had surgery.
Had stitches.
Taken a taxi.
Seen the Washington Monument.
Had more than 5 IM's/online conversations going at once.
Overdosed.
Had a drug or alcohol problem.
Been in a fist fight.
Suffered any form of abuse.
Had a hamster.
Petted a wild animal.

Used a credit card.
Gone surfing in California.
Did "spirit day" at school.
Dyed your hair.
Got a tattoo. will soon tho!!
Had something pierced.
Got straight A's.
Been on the Honor Roll.
Your parents sent you to a shrink.
Been handcuffed.
Known someone with HIV or AIDS.
Taken pictures with a webcam.

Started a fire.
Had a party while your parents weren't home.
Gotten caught having a party while they were gone.
Done surveys like this to pass the time.
Have You Ever Kissed Someone:
[ ]I have never kissed anyone before
[X]on the cheek
[X]on the lips
[X]on their hands or fingers
[X]in your room
[X]under the sheets
[X]on a bed
[X]in their room
[X ]of the same sex
[X]older than you
[X] with blonde hair & blue eyes (nels..)
[X ]with straight hair
[X ]smaller/shorter than you
[X] bigger/taller than you
[X]who you just met
[X]who was homosexual
[X]on a holiday
[ ]who was going out with someone close to you .
[ ]who was your good friends brother/sister
[ ]in jail(or has been in jail)
[ ]in a graveyard
[X]at the beach
[X]in a pool, jacuzzi, some type of water
[]who was legally too young/old
[X]with dyed hair
[X]with a shaved head
[X]who was in a band
[ ]who has tattoos
[ ]who was of a completely different race then you
[X]in the rain
[ ]with an accent
[ ]with an std
[ ]on a boat
[X]in a car/taxi/bus
[ ]on a plane
[X]at church
[X]at the circus/carnival
[ ]with a missing body part
[X]in the movies
[X]in the bathroom
[X]under the stars
[X]ever given some one an eskimo kiss

My friends make me drawings.
I am respected at school/work/wherever.
The song "Bananas" by Gwen Stafani helps me spell bananas.
Most of my friends are depressed.
I own a car I do not drive.
Cartoons, that's all I watch.
I love it when my friends are happy.
I read the Davinci Code.
I'm Jewish.
Pasta is my favorite.
My cat's name is Fluffy.
I am intimidating.
I know all the songs in A Nightmare Before Christmas by heart.
The glass is half-empty.
I say "That's gay" a lot.
I am a very light sleeper.
I hug all my friends.
I feel dumb whenever I make typos.
I can't dance.
Rap is the only true music.
Lightning frightens me.
I wish I were cooler.
I hate buying things for my girlfriend/boyfriend.
Foreign movies irritate me.
I always use semicolons.
I wear a lot of makeup....
I'm homosexual.
Drugs help me cope with things.
I have cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend.
I hate shirts with writing on them.
My cellphone ringtone is some popular song.
I like Greenday.
I wear a lot of jewelry.

My friends tell me everything.
Math isn't my favorite subject, but I'm good at it.
I have been physically taken advantage of.
I'm obsessed with livejournal.

I celebrate my pets' birthdays.
I've been hit on by lesbians. .
There is something I am addicted to.
I have a lot of zits on my face.
I hate watching the movie if I haven't read/finished the book.
I don't have a myspace.
My parents are restrictive.
Sex-scenes are my favorite.
I hate the smell of gasoline.
I watched Barney.
My favorite store in the mall is the bookstore.
By trying to be "nonconformist," I look like everyone else.
I'm putting off something.
Techno is a guilty pleasure.
I like Ska.
I laugh at jokes I don't understand.
People say I'm funny.
A friend of mine is named Claire.
I hate all of my ex boyfriends/girlfriends.
I ride a motorcycle.
I'm a stickler for grammar.

I dye my hair.
People judge me.
Gigantic sweatshirts = love.
This survey is kinda neat.
I never wear my hair down.
I judge other people based on the music they listen to.
I'm nosy.
Fire is so beautiful.
I'd be better off alone.

Everytime i sing this tune

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 19:11:11 GMT

My dad hasnt said anything to me since, I feel like i let him down somehow, I dont know, hopefully getting out of the house will help him..

My parents are going to a wedding tonight, so that means Im home alone =P I havent decided if im gonna have a party or have Jamie over lol
OR i might just go over Jamies house, His parents are out of town the whole weekend!! <3 Who can say Sneaking out and Vodka? lmao

I love my boyfriend <3

I skipped school today, i just didnt feel like going.. Especailly since the past few days have been really awkward around here.. lol

SO, i hate Matt. He is a creep, i hope he leaves Jenny alone once and for all.

I have alot on my mind, So im gonna go take a long bath and try to sort shit out.

I cant wait to see Jamie today!!!!! He is so adorable. I love him!!!!!!!!!!

I almost had you

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 23:00:17 GMT

Yesterday was.. wow, so many words i could write to describe yesterday, ill just say it was.. wierd.

>>i overdosed a little on Prozac before i went to youth club, cause i didnt wanna break down.<<
Jenny and Ashley came with me to Youth club, and hardly ANYONE was there, it was better that way tho. I had fun, laughed alot, was enjoying myself lol and i love alex! i couldnt stop hugging him..
Also, I love singing with Jenny in church, well anywhere, but when we are singing church songs and we are the loudest ones, its just so cute, I LOVE YOU JENNY!
So Bible study came faster than i thought.. I was really nervous, my heart was pounding through my chest, and i couldnt breath, but i knew i was gonna say something.
We had to write a worry, and people we wanted to pray for on this piece of paper, So i wrote "Im worried about a number of things.. but one of the things i have been holding inside of me for a while now, but i feel like if i tell others they just wont understand, or just wont even believe me" and Dana read it out loud, and than Alex and Jenny wrote Prayers for Me.. So than Dana asked if anyone wanted to do Anointing this week, and no one said anything. Alex grabbed my hand, and so did Jenny. They both were starring at me, and Dana was like "well since everyone is starring at Carissa, do you have something to say haha" and I seriously was so nervous, i couldnt breath, my heart was pounding through my chest, and i just wanted to drop dead, but somehow i got the stregnth to actually talk, and actually say what i needed to get out.. Jenny, Alex and Ashley all started crying, but i was so numb from my pills that i didnt shed one tear, but believe me, i felt the pain inside..
After, i think everyone was in shock, and scared? I dont know, but than i sat in the middle, and Jenny started crying hysterically, everyone had their hands on me praying, and i dont know why, but i felt better, i felt alive once again, i felt actually worth something. I guess i did the right thing..
Matt gave me his phone number after saying i could call him anytime i wanted << I love you matt, thank you so much
Mike told me to call him too lol i already have his number =P
So, I told my mom, and i think she kind of already knew but was waiting for me to come to her, She didnt cry much, and i dunno i love her.
My dad was in shock, and didnt talk all day today. and Now he says he feels like a failure, because im his "baby girl" and He is supposed to protect me, but he failed. I love my dad so much.. i dont know if i wish i didnt tell him or not..
I told my mom she can tell whoever she wants, cause i honestly dont care who knows anymore. Im tired of keeping this stupid secret, its in the past, and i dont care if you dont believe me, but who the fuck would lie about this kind of thing?? honestly, who would??
So i dont care who knows, but just letting you guys know, i dont want your fucking sympathy. Thats not what im about, i hate when people feel sorry for me, im so much stronger than you think, so if you feel like making me a charity case than go the fuck away, cause i dont need it.
Also, im not doing this for attention, put yourself in my shoes, would you honestly care anymore? after everything you have been through?
and plus, you all know me, i hate attention, if i honestly wanted it, i think right after it happend i woulda made it a HUGE deal, but its just been recently where i have been opening up to people cause for some reason i just feel like i shouldnt hide this anymore, im sick of this secret, So if you wanna know, just ask me.

So im going over my boyfriends house right now =) I LOVE HIM!
Im in a good mood today

Now thats Irony

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 20:31:25 GMT

Jenny is over! I LOVE HER AHHHHHH!

We are going to Youth club soooooon. and i dont think ashley is coming anymore.. heh

Alex text me today randomly and it said "I love you" awww it was cute!

I miss Jamie, I WANT TO SEE HIM AHHHHHH! I love him.. hahahah

10 years ago: I was 5 lol In Kiddiegarten? umm I lied to my teacher saying i was going to Disney world over Winter break cause i wanted to so badly, so i thought if i told her, she would tell my mom, and my mom would just think we are going too hahahaha

5 years ago: I was 10, hm.. 5th grade? I was probably being a player with all my girls and kissing boys in the "love bush" hahaha good times

1 year ago: I was with Nels, He was my world.. First time i felt true love, first time i fell in love, Best days of my life, He was amazing, no doubt about that. Its funny how much things change, or how much one person can change.

Yesterday: Read my journal for yesterday? lol I hung out with my Boyfriend =P

today: Ate Mcdonalds, I am going to youth club, with Ashley, Jenny n Alex. Nels will be there. I am confessing what happend to me over the summer so people will get off my back about shit.

Tomorrow: Hangin out with JAMIE! =) and going to my counselors, annnnddddd um Going Crazy? lol

5 Snacks i enjoy:
Oatmeal
Chips
Black Olives
Green beans
Pb n J

5 bands/singers that I know the lyrics of most of their songs:
Blink 182

Straylight Run

Kenny Chesney

Jack Johnson

Mest

5 things I would do with $100,000,000:
Help my dad out
Buy my Crazy ass DREAM CAR! =P
Buy a Dog
Cloths cloths cloths cloths cloths
Buy Ricky a better headstone...

5 bad habits I have:
Biting my nails
Thinking way to much
forgettin shit.. lol ADD
ummmm i dunno?

5 things I like doing:
Hanging out with my boyfriend.
Hanging out with Friends
Movies
Drawing/Writing
Going Crazy//Partayin

5 things I would never wear:
I would wear anything, you should know that lol =P

5 TV shows I like:
Gilmore Girls
7th heaven
the OC
Tru Calling (it got cancelled lol!)
Boy meets world hahaha

5 movies I like:
Nightmare before Christmas
Saw 1 and 2
VAN WILDER
Cruel Intentions
Girl next door

5 famous people I’d like to meet:
Bruce Willis
Will Smith
Jonny Depp
Ashton Kutcher
Dane Cook

5 biggest joys at the moment:
Jamie!
Loosing wieght lol
Gettin shit out in the open
I came home and my froggie is a little better =)
Christmas and My Birthday is coming up within the next 3 months! lol

5 favorite toys:
My ipod?
My Barbies haha
Computer? is that a toy?
Coloring book =P
baseball

You are now tagged and MUST do this.....

Jenny
Ashley
Rachie
Rina

5 Random Facts about your music collection:
1- I like all types of music
2- I mostly listen to my iPod.
3- I download everything
4- I dont know where any of my Cds are hahaha
5- Music is life

5 Random Facts about your bedroom:
1- There is writing all over my walls under the paint
2- Theres a stolen Sign in my room "Slow Children"
3- My froggie cage
4- Trophies
5- This rocking chair bed thingy madoberjig

5 Random Facts about your clothing:
1- I dont really care what i wear
2- I love Hollister cloths
3- I dont really have anything pink
4- All i wear are Jeans
5- Skater Shoes

5 Random facts about your jewelry/accessories:
1- Wear this Irish Ring that my parents bought me last year.
2- Alex's Ring that he gave me
3- Belly button ring, Cherry!
4- Random Necklaces, it changes all the time
5- 2 Livestrongs! "Groves our house" and "I love little Caesars PIZZA"

5 random facts about your most prized collection(s):
1- plaque from my Grandpa's funeral
2- Ipod
3- Froggie
4- Pictures
5- Trophies

5 random facts about your family:
1- My cousin Ricky is dead
2- My best friends are my family. (Jennifer Blair)
3- My brother is halarious
4- We own our own buisness fuckers
5- we used to have 27 guinea pigs

5 random facts about your friends:
1- I asked out one of my Best friends on Halloween (Jamie B!)
2- Ive been Best Friends with Jenny since 2nd Grade, and she lives 2 houses down, YA BITCHES
3- Ive known Angie my whole life, We have a billion inside jokes, from like when we were 5 years old lol "Duckie go down the hoolleeee" FRICK AND FRAT !!
4- Me and Ashley became friends cause we used to cut
5- I dated another one of my Best friends (Alex) hahahah I LOVE HIM!

5 random facts about you:
1- I have ADD
2- I used to not care what others thought, im workin on it now
3- Lenhoff Hands -Sweaty all the time
4- My nose is cold when im sad or miss someone
5- I take risks, chances, and do wierd/stupid things and dont really care, We all only live once, why not live it up bitches?

Its not like it hurts much anyway

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 16:34:46 GMT

Last night i hung out with Jamie, and all i wanted to say was "I love you" but i held myself back, cause i know its not gonna last, but i dont know, i like him alot guys =) He makes me smile, and laugh, and makes me happy

Today Ash n Jenny are coming to Youth club with me, Im ready for this, im ready to let people know whats going on, and i am ready to finally admit that i need prayers, and help, cause i cant do this alone. I feel good about this.

I love Alex, He called me yesterday, and he is gonna be there tonight, but i just love him, he is my best friend, and god damn, I MISS HIM!

Okay, something that really bugs me is when someone trys to get all up in your buisness through other people. If you honestly WANT to know, than come to me and ask me, and if i dont wanna tell you, than too bad, you wont know. but Dont go to others asking about shit, It doesnt concern you, so let it go. Im sick of people being retarded and wanting to know EVERYTHING about EVERYONE! Cause if you really cared, you wouldnt act like a fucking idiot about my problems. go the fuck away.

So anyways, Today has been a good day so far, Im nervous about tonight but im ready. I know having Ash Jen n Alex there for me will help a ton. Im scared to tell my parents tho, I know how my mom will take it, but I wonder how my dad will..
but, i dont wanna be one of those girls who i hear about that doesnt speak up, fuck that shit, ill be different and be one of the few to do something about it.. or at least others know.

Im also trying to prepare myself for "Your a liar" and "I dont believe you, why did you make that kinda shit up?" Ive already gotten it, but it hurts when someone doesnt believe you, especailly on something like this.

So im rambleing on and on about nothing, i think its funny

My frog is dieing.. I thought it was dead today, but i picked it up and it moved a little, I fed it and gave it alot of water.. I hope he will be alright, He is my world. You all should know how much i love my frog lol

I want a doggie!!!

I love Jenny. Shes halarious
I love Ashley, I hope your okay sweetheart
I MISS THE FUCKING TRIPOD! Sleepover this weekend.. mkay??!

Im doing really good in school =) YAY for me.

This Friday my parents are going out of town for a wedding! =P and Jamies parents are going out of town for the whole weekend.. hehehehhee

I love Jamie!!!!!!!!

Him: What you gonna do with all that junk?
Him: All that junk inside your trunk?
Me: Im gonna get get get you Drunk!

lol Its love.

Ive got 99 problems and a bitch aint 1!

My heart is yours

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 19:26:38 GMT

So yesterday I went over Jamies for a couple of hours.
In his basement he had this Fog machine, and he turned it on so that we couldnt see ANYTHING, he was sitting like 3 feet away from me and i couldnt see him lol it was awesome
We started the movie "The Grinch stole Christmas" and I told him i needed to talk, Ya i told him what happend to me, cause i wanted to be honest with him.. He seemed sad, but i cheered him up
Than I was all like "Well im gonna be the Man in the relationship" and he was like "Okay?" and i was like "Jamie.. Will you go out with me?" and of course, his response was "Yes" =P
So im not single anymore! Im taken! =) We will see how this all goes lol Im going over his house later today, i left my coat at his house lol
I love him <3

Nervous for tomorrow, im haveing alot of second thoughts. I guess we will just have to see if im up to this or not
Also ive been kinda worried/down about it.. yuck, i hate being this way.

After Jamies, Jenny came over!!! I love her so much lol We watched this movie that made me realize alot.. but than i got this HUGE urge for candy! so we put on the most randomest things and ran over to a house and did trick o treat!!! hahah than we came back but ya i love Jenny so much, shes halarious!

Today i have Julies. This is gonna be interesting.

I love this song, its how i feel exactly.
I love you Jamie

Breathe in for luck.
Breathe in so deep.
This air is blessed, you share with me.
This night is wild, so calm and dull.
These hearts, they race, from self-control.
Your legs are smooth, as they graze mine.
We're doing fine.
We're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me?
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.

The words are hushed, "let's not get busted."
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"Hey did you get some?"
Man that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close, they can't hear.
So we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me?
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember.
Always remember the sound of the stereo.
The dim of the soft lights.
The scent of your hair, that you twirled in your fingers.
And the time on the clock, when we realized "It's so late!"
And this walk that we share together.
The streets were wet, and the gate was locked,
So I jumped it, and let you in.
And you stood at the door, with your hands on my waist.
And you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew...that you meant it.

We can live like Jack and Sally if you want

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 21:46:06 GMT

I know this may be stupid, I know it may only last a few days, I know what all i said about it, and how i wanna be single, I know that this may be another famous "Carissa May Mistake" but

Im going over Jamies right now, and i think im gonna ask him out. Ill update later on what all went down

Just try and stop me now

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 20:44:54 GMT

Happy Halloween

Im not sure what im doing yet, Maybe dressin up as a Twin with Jenny and partayin later?
or
Trick o treating with Random people that i find and scare little kids?
or
Maybe Just dress up and partay Next door, do shit, if you know what i mean lol

Saw II Is so pimp, i love that movie, i might go see it ANOTHER time with other people hahaa fun fun
Alex's Friend Amber is seriously the coolest chick ever!! lol I had fun, even tho i was worried about some people.. =/

So today is Monday, Tomorrow is Tuesday.. and the Day after is the big Wednesday. I know im not ready for this. This is gonna be a huge change, im hopeing not, but whenever i hope for something it never happens, Something that i got used to.

Anyone wanna trade lives???

What is Love anyway? and i mean True love, being IN love, wrapped around head over heals love.. Why do we all think we felt it? How do you know for sure? and if it was REAL love, wouldnt it of lasted?? If those words that came out of his mouth were the truth, than why did he leave you?? Why wasnt he even there for you when you needed him the most?? Where was he when you were sobbing, bleeding, crying out for help? He was no where to be found. Is that what love is? Abondoning the one you "love" ? Trying to make up excuses on why you werent there.. You dont even come back, are you fucking ashamed of what you did? Do you see the pain you caused when you look in my eyes? Do you think about me? and our so called "love" Why are you like that? Why do you sit there and act like we have never even met..

Whatever lol I feel better, Just got back from JRS! if you know what i mean.......... hahahahahaa

Enough of being depressed, LETS GO PARTAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it still me that makes you sweat?

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 19:40:36 GMT

Don't give up you're still young and your life's just begun
At every corner opportunity screams
Sometimes life is abrupt but it's time to grow up
And stop clinging to yesterday's dreams

So i talked to Kelly today!!! He is so cute hahaha I like talking to him, and i got his sn. <3
Me and Angie and our parents went to Leos, and there was the cutest waiter there, We gave him our Sn's, i hope i get an IM from him soon ahhhhhhh!

Im going to Saw II Right now with Alex and his friends!!! im so excited! =)

Last night was halarious, Everyone thinks me and Alex are going out, or SHOULD go out, aha I love him, We ARE pretty wierd alex lol

I hope Jenny is okay, I hate that stupid motherfucker.
I hope Ashley is okay too.. Gawd, what is wrong with this world these days??

Ah Nervous for Wednesday..

My mom said Poop today =)

Make sure I know who's taking you home..

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 13:35:48 GMT

Last night was so much fun! At first i thought it was gonna be a bust, but it turned out amazing.
We had these God Games, and it was halarious. Me and Alex were together the whole time lol man i love that kid "In a minutteee" haha
Our church won Mock Rock!! WOOP WOOP! What know bitches?! haha
I <3 Pat lol he is so funny, with his stupid paper tie Hahahaha

After that We went to a Haunted Hayride! it was so lame tho, It wasnt scary and the kids doing it didnt even TRY to scare us haha, I was flirting BIG TIME, it was so funny, even tho they had masks on. One of them i was like "Omg im scared, can you hold my hand?!?!" and he did for like 10 seconds hahaha
Than there was this one guy and i was like "Heyyy boo!!!!" and he was walking next to the hay ride thing, and me and him were just talking lol and i got his #!!! I shined my phone light in his face, and he was really cute haha His name is Kelley, and he is 14, he lives in Romeo, he likes his job and gets paid minimum wage lol We held hands for like 2 minutes and than he had to go scare more people haha That made my night!!! =)
I'll probably call him or text him tomorrow, or maybe later today haha Cause im just sweet like that

World War III is over. im gonna say something wednesday, im just terrified. But whatever, i can do this.

Thank you guys for being there for me. I love you all!!!

Alex, you so halarious! I LOVE YOU! Davis Davies! haha

Theres nothing left to say.

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 16:27:19 GMT

World war III has been going on in my head for about 4 days now. and I still have no clue what im gonna do about anything. Im torn between all of these things, Especailly the one about Youth club. If i do take that step than im gonna have to do alot after that. Im really terrified, i dont wanna go through even more shit cause of that, i just wanna let it all go. Do i really want everyone to know? Do i really want my parents to know? Or, is it just finally time that people see what ive been going through. Who knows, this war will have to end soon tho, lets just sit back and see who puts up their white flag first.

Im going to this Haunted Hayride right now, Ill update more about the war later. I hope it comes to a conclusion soon, im getting sick of it.

If im just bad news than your a LIAR

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 19:51:01 GMT

Youth club Yesterday was, wow. It was good, i was havin fun, good time, but than at Bible study we got into this circle and did prayers and anointing. I wanted to just spill everything so badly but i held it all in. Jenny told them what's been bothering her, and like i dont know how to explain it, but you could feel gods presence there. I felt so close to everyone in the circle. So i decided.. I might spill my guts next week. I think its finally time that people start to understand what i go through.
Alex and I talked after youth club, and wow, i love him so freaking much. He is seriously my best friend, and i feel so close to him. He told me things that he said he has never told anyone before. and I dunno but we decided alot, and ya, im really looking forward to it. I love that kid, he is so strong, and amazing. He best know that lol

Today was Pretty good day, went by really fast, love my first hour with J, and the fact that its Accounting. Camilla is the bomb! and ya hahaa

Last night was seriously, a Confession night lol

I confessed my feelings to Jamie, and told him like.. everything. and guess what.. HE FEELS THE SAME WAY!! I love it, i felt this pressure just come off of me, and now i feel like, idk i just feel free and ahhhhh!! Happy! He is so cute!
Camilla-"You and Jamie were the cutest couple ever, i just wanted to cry haha"
lol i love her
but ya Me and Jamie talked, and we both have the same atitudes. Knowing it wont last forever, and we wont have like stupid Promises that wont be kept, and we both dont really believe in being "in love" so ya, it all works out, but i do love him, always have always will i guess lol Last night we said it to eachother, awwwwwwwwww!!! haha okay anyways

Today
+Hangin out with Jamie most of the day!!! =)
+Getting really waisted with Jason! YES! or maybe Jamie lol havent decided yet =P

NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!! YAY!

Gawd, i love being happy lol i think im on crack tho hahaHAHA well this was a pointless update, but i just wanted some of you to know, that you will know the truth real soon. =/

My best friends are so more amazinger than Yours.

Some of our Convo!!!!!!!

Me: i dont wanna go into something thinking "this will last forever" you know?
Him: i know EXACTLY what you're saying
Him: these things don't last forever
Me: ya, things change, feelings change
Him: it's true, but we have something, we can feel better, we can make eachother feel good, we can make the time we have together whatever we want it to be
Which is a huge PLUS! We both know this wont last forever. We both dont wanna make stupid promises like "ill never leave you" or "ill never hurt you" OR "Ill love you forever" Cause we all know that, that wont happen lol things just change. and we both dont believe in being "in love" but we believe in just love, if that makes any sense lol

Me: what are you doing tomorrow?
Him: hanging out with you
Me: :-)
Him: :-D
Me: your cute
Me: what are we gonna do, "watch another movie"
Me: lol
Him: we will do
Him: whatever you want
Me: how about
Me: whatever WE want
Me: so what do you want
Me: and than ill tell you what i want
Him: i want you
Him: so anything that invlovles you
Him: i'm in
awwwwwww <3

Me: i love
Me: ..
Him: you love?
Me: being with you..
Him: i love being with you
Me: You make me smile
Him: you make me melt

and yes, we say I love you hahaha
"I love you"
"I love you too"

Im so happy ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! YAY! Things are workin out, FINALLY!

All the small things

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 19:29:42 GMT

Today has been a good day so far
Just like all the days i have been having latley =)

I woke up at like 5am, which was pretty wierd, for some reason ive been wakeing up before my alarm clock even goes off.
Sooo I decided i wanted to look GOOD today, so i took a shower, blow dryed my hair, straightend it, put makeup on, cute cloths, and drank slim fast!
Things are even better today than Yesterday, I told J not to be wierd around me anymore, and Today me and him were flirting and back to normal (thank god) ive missed him.
I talked to People at Alternative that i dont normal talk to, which was awesome. I love my school.
All the girls kept complimenting my hoodie lol like every 5 minutes "CARISSA! I LOVE IT SO MUCH! ITS ADORABLE!" lol damn
I have a new nickname lol -Fall out girl- Only Frankie calls me that, and this morning he was like starring at me and said "Did you straighten your hair??" and i wa slike "Ya.. why?" and he wa slike "Cause you look really good" and smiled, than we all were talking and somehow fall out boy came up, so now he is like "IM GONNA CALL YOU FALL OUT GIRL!!" Damn, that boy is too cute, i love his smile lol
Its the little things that just make my day. like that ^^ and also J being himself again
Chris wants me to come to this Halloween Party with him and J, i was actually thinking about it lol =)
Last night Angie called me, and scared the SHIT out of me, She went to the hospital last night, but i heard she is home now and she is fine, just needs alot of rest. Prayers for my lover ya'll.
Today is Youth club. Im taking Alex out to Fudruckers for his late birthday dinner lol Jenny might come too! Than dumb youth club lol annnndddd thhhaaannnn HOME!!!!!!!! thank god

My mom is being really overprotective, its cute but annoying. So are alot of other people. Dont worry about Me, and me likeing Jamie lol i wont get hurt, and if i do it wont be THAT bad. so please, back off

Speaking of Jamie, i really miss him lol i wanna see him!!!!!!!!! But i cant today, hopefully tomorrow tho. If me and him ever do go out again, we are gonna be that type of couple who watches movies ALOT hahahaa
I love cuddleing with him, kissing him, him holding me, ahh i just love being with him
He is wierd, and i love it, ahhhhhhhh!!

Im on the phone with Alex right now lol
well im off to YOUTH CLUB! bye everyone

& In the night We'll wish this never ends

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 16:57:32 GMT

Homecoming was Amazing. I had such a blast, better than i thought i would. Way better than last years =)
I just wish.. everyone could say that about this years homecoming..

Im actually Happy again!!! woop woop.

I like Jamie. (again)

Ive done alot of thinking over the past couple of days. and guess what? I actually created some answers. I just didnt know i had the answers to all these questions all this time. I was just blind with fear and pain. but not anymore.

Life is a Mystery.

What is my purpose to be on this earth?? Do you know yours?

Love.

At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines, or you can live your life crossing them. But there are are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know. If you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular...

HUGE Post, + Some Pictures UnderCut!

Friday we picked up alex and We watched movies =) I love him haha Than later Jen Ash n Andrew came over from the football game. WE BEAT SEAHOLM! woop woop!
hahaha That was alot of fun, but Ew, all of you best delete those Recordings on your phones! I SOUND LIKE A HYENA!!!!! lol

-Homecoming-
Saturday was Hectic and Crazy in the beginning lol We all were stressin out haha but it ending up really good.
I picked up Ash like an HOUR before everyone else was comin over, omg lol we didnt have anything done, but Us girls are amazing and we were ready on time.
Andrew Jen n Alex showed up, and We took a million pics! ill show you some on here, but Alex's are SO much better so ill scan them later tonight!!!
I had to tape my boobs cause my dress was falling off like no other! but finally i got them to stay, for a few hours hahaha
Alex looked too good in his suit and blue shirt. Mmmmmm
I thought everyone looked beautiful and sexy. ahhh!!
Than we went to Justins house to take MORE pics, and dammmmnnn!!! His house is HUGE! lol there were like 30 ppl there, oh fun haha
We ate at PF Changs! ahh Their food was so good, and everyone was like starring at our huge group! i loved every second of the attention hahaha
Than we ran to the Dance!! We were stressin out bout andrew maybe not gettin in, but in the end he got in!! =) and i loved seeing everyone, i was going CRAZY!
Ahhhhhh! I love Dirty Dancing! I was all up on everyone hahaha especailly Alex. damnnn that boy.. mmm. Anyways, I love my girls =) We all were hott and gettin DOWN! i loved it
I danced with my Brother!! andrew looked so cute!
Slow dancin with Alex was fun too, but i almost passed out hahaha
I love being at Groves, i just feel Wild and Crazy again! I was seriously goin insane at the Dance, ahhhh! haha i loved how people were starring at me. and OMG I SAW DREW! I LOVE HIM!!!!!
After the Dance we came back to my house and just chilled and Partayed! ahhhh Homecoming was a blast for me. I love you guys so much. IT WAS AMAZING

Everyone slept over my house, which was FUN! Boys boys boys + Sleepovers = Crazy Night.
Hey Date!! Get over herrrrr! lol
I wanna make outttt!!! --In a minuutttteee!!-- HAHA
The pig lady on the computer screen omg LMAO! nice
Goodtimes Goodtimes!!!!

So. At homecoming I saw Jamie, and wanted to Dance with him but i didnt lol He looked really good. awww. His date was Gorgeous.
I Went over Jamies house Sunday to watch Scary movies. He is so cute, I love how he holds me, cuddles, and just how he treats me.
We kissed.
Yup, I just went for it lol and guess what i found out? I still love kissing this kid.
We didnt finish the movie so of course the next day we had to chill again.
So, Yesterday I went over Jamies house again, and we talked and just hung out upstairs and watched the rest of the retarded ghetto ass Movie! lol (Shallow Ground) dont see it HAHAA
I like him. yup, I like jamie.
He is a cutie.
We kissed again, and we laughed about old times. We were smiling alot, and something i noticed, he makes me a better person. Just like hanging out with him for a day, made me a better person than who i was yesterday.
No, i dont wanna fall in love. and no i dont really believe in love that much anymore. but I do like Jamie. I like being with him. I like kissing him. (thats no lie, which means i really did move on) I like how he treats me. I like our memories. I like his Wierdness. I like how comfortable i am with him. I like how i feel like i dont need to impress him. I like how he said yesterday "I dont care how you look, i just wanna see you right now" I like how i dont have to put on makeup and tight shirt, tight pants, Thong, Perfume, Straighten my hair.. I can go over Jamies house with no makeup, my hair a mess, Smelling like ASS (which wont ever happen but im just sayin lol) The baggiest Cloths, Circles under my eyes, and forgot to brush my teeth, and he will still like me.
No, that will probably never happen but like i said before, im just sayin lol But i could go over with no makeup, hair a mess, baggy cloths, and he would still wanna cuddle with me.
and thats the kind of guy thats worth while.

No, i dont really want a boyfriend right now. I like being Single. I like flirting and being able to do anything i want, whenever i want. I like not being in love, and being free.
but. I also like Jamie alot.

I know alot of you say im not over one of my Ex's. but I am. Kissing Jamie and not thinking of him made me realize even more how over it all i really am. and please just Support me with that, with me being over him and it, cause im finally am happy again, and the last thing i need is for you guys to tell me i still and will always love him, and always care, and how he will be apart of me forever. I finally let go, and moved on from him. Why cant you guys just be supportive over this. cause thats what i need, that, or else nothing at all. Cause Im happy. Without him. FINALLY. so dont bring me down by saying shit about him. im slowly forgettin him, our stupid memories. i finally can say "I dont love him anymore" and have my heart not sink down cause id know it was a lie. so please, for me, just.. dont do that. thankya loves

Also, I know some of you think im not ready for a new boyfriend, but listen to me.. It aint that serious lol im 15 years old! i have 3 years left of high school. Whoever i date right now, its not like we will last forever. It wont last forever, Maybe a year? Couple months? Weeks? Days? or even hours. But see, I built a wall around my heart, and im waiting for "The one" to Knock it over and steal my heart away from me. Until then, I will like boys. I will date. I will go out with them. But dont worry guys lol I will be fine, Ya i might get a little bit hurt, But the worst is over. No one could hurt me as much as he did. So now only bright skys are left.

Ive been doing SO good latley. Every morning i will wake up before my alarm clock goes off and just sit there and think about all the good things i have to look forward to. What i have to be thankful for. and things that i still need to change. I smile and laugh alot now, and its all real. I dont cry anymore, no real reason to. I let go, of alot of things. I let go of some people that were lostcauses. and I gave up on things that really, werent ever coming back. I let go of things that i couldnt change, and most importantly i let go of what that guy did to me. I cant change what happend. and no i cant erase the memories, the dreams i still get, or the images that are engraved in my head, but if i do feel scared, or start feeling myself break down, if i feel weak and feel myself reliving it again, i just stop, take a deep breath, repeat over in my head "Its over, he isnt coming back, it wont happen again." and say a little prayer, than i feel okay. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and realized i have a better life than alot of people out there. I try to help others now, and if someone is sad, i try to cheer them up. Ive been doing things for myself too, like loosing wieght, and drawing again. Im going to my counselor soon, which im really looking forward to. Ive missed her so much, i cant wait to tell her everything. But something ive realized, You have to pick yourself up. Look at me, im okay now, after evertyhing that has happend to me, im actually happy. None of you will understand how hard it was or still is for me, but im getting through it. Just take a step at a time, and remember there is someone out there you loves you.

Also my self esteem and confidence is going sky high! I look in the mirror, and i dont just see this ugly, fat, pimple faced, who nose, girl. I see a girl, Who is a survivor, who is so strong, and who is pretty. Maybe not gorgeous, but i know i am good looking.
If you look around, than look at yourself in the mirror, even if this is bad or wrong or conceded, You know you are better looking than other people out there. just admitting that to yourself is the first step.
Im getting to be More outgoing again (damn i love it!!!)
I love laughing 24/7
and I love not caring what others think of me.
Im wild and Crazy and Free. and honestly? I dont give a FUCK what any of you think of me.
Yup, This is just who i am. Carissa fucking May.
Damn it feels so good to be back.

Wow, Im Single, and im happy. I dont need a boy to be happy. and neither do any of you. Remember that

WOA DAMN! I wrote so much. Well sorry everyone but i wanted to write this all out. Im really proud, and Happy right now. Even tho i know something can come and try to bring me down at any moment, Im not gonna let it. Im gonna stay up here, for as long as i can. Cause i know i deserve to be happy. and so do you guys.

I love my bestest Friends so much. Thanks for always being there for me, but now its my turn to help you guys out. Im here for you, I love you guys, your my world.

Also, No more grudges, im gonna live my life, free, and myself, no i dont hate anyone, sure people can be mean and annoying, but im not gonna hold a grudge against you. If we had a rocky past, please just, leave it in the past. Thats what im doing. Im starting New, and Fresh. and damn it feels so good.

©©©©
yea I'm the girl with her middle finger in the air;;
cuz for the first time in my life I don't fucking care
©©©©
heres to the future ;; cause im over the past
©©©©
& she doesnt care what they say about her..
.. because she realized ; they don't know shit
©©©©
PARTY LiKE A PiMP
BUT LOVE LiKE A LADY

-Homecoming Pics-

Me and JR!! Ya you tell them Jr hahahaHAHA

Date and Me!!!!!!!!!

Me and Ash!!!! ew why are we so pale in my pics lol!

Mmmm Sexy!!!

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was Hawt like ME!

Our Group!!! Andrew Ash Justin Jen Alex and ME

Oh alex, your so amazing. "Kiss me and im yours" LOL

-Unhomecoming pics! lol-

Jason ahhhhhh!!!!! Ya Mcdonalds rocks

You think you hurt me real good this time

But in reality, I dont hurt one bit inside
Cause i dont give a fuck about you.

The Bronco!! I ride in this Everday, ahahaha Its so pimp.

>>To be Continued<<

Quotes from the book DATEABLE! it pissed me off when i read it first, but now after everything, it makes so much sense!

Truth: Just because you date someone doesnt mean you will marry them
Truth: Your dating expierence will help shape your married life

Dont make the mistake of being in love with being in love.

How much you put in
Determines how much it will hurt when it ends!

Sex creates a soul connection. So the more you give up sexually in a relationship, the more it rips your soul apart.

Your crush doesnt need to know everything about you.

Dont practice divorce, by playing house with each other.

&&

"He will become Prince Charming and I will be his princess." Ahh yes,the battle cry of the delusional.

Easy girls are not keepers.
They are a temporary fix
'til the right one comes along.

A guy will have a tendency to treat you
like you are dressed. If you are dressed like
a flesh buffet, dont be surprised when he
treats you like a piece of meat.

&&

Sex wont keep him.

&&

Girls, that rush the bad boy gives you is fear, because you dont know whats going to happen next

Ever heard a guy say "she's smothering me"?
T R A N S L A T I O N
"Shes chasing me, and im bored with it."

Thanks Loves <3 lol Just think about this, cause its so true.

Say its True

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 14:24:31 GMT

I havent had much time to Update laltey, Sorry lol

+Homecoming is Tonight! Its gonna be Pimp! Alex is my date =)
+Chilled with Alex last night, i love him lol
+Saw Alie and met Daher! I love them also haha
+I love my friends so much, Ash Andrew n Jen came over for a while, it was so much fun
+I love being happy, and laughing.
+Im so glad i let go and gave up on you.
+Im actually PROUD of myself, for once lol
+We all are gonna look hott tonight, AHH I CANT WAIT.

Under Cut is everything. and Details

Homecoming is Tonight, Im so fucking excited!! but i have this feeling that.. there is gonna be alot of stupid Drama, but fuck that and them, im not gonna let them ruin my time.
And plus, me and Alex are gonna look SO hott! and ahhh I cant wait to Dance! or the fucking After partay!!! hahaha We all know whats gonna happen THERE.
"I dont trust myself with you" hahaha oh god, WHO's GETTING LAID TONIGHT?!?!! =P

Yesterday Me and Alex chilled at my house watching movies! it was alotta fun!! "Am i a pretty Accident??!" lol I LOVE YOU!
Than Alie and Daher stopped by, OMG I LOVE THEM!!!!!! It was so cute, ive missed her so much! i guess we are chilling next weekend YAY! and Daher is so cute, and really nice. They are adorable together!!!!!

After that, Andrew, Jen and Ash showed up at my house!!! =) It was halarious, but OMG they all recorded me on their phones and played them at the same time.. i was about to BEAT some ass. Its halarious tho, you should hear my obnoxious laugh! AHAHAHA!!!!!!! and andrew i swear to god if you do that again ill punch you lol

Omg, I love my friends so much!!!!!!!!!
I was so happy yesterday, i just realized lol

So I broke my Camera.. ya.. So im gonna go to Best Buy really fast to see if they can do anything.. HOPEFULLY they can, but i doubt it. and my brother is an ass, and wont let me borrow his, so basically i am screwd. CVS here i come for a dumb disposible one.. fun fun lol

Also like last week, I finally said enough was enough. I was sick of being depressed all the time. Sick of never smiling and haveing it be real, or Laughin and haveing that be real either. I was sick of having no respect for myself and feeling worthless. So, ive changed alot now, thank god, it was just finally time.
I let go, and gave up on him. I dont love him anymore, i am not in love with him anymore, or even wanna be his friend. This might be the best thing i have ever done. and i know you guys think im lieing when i said that, but I actually dont love him anymore. Yes he will always be apart of me, but he doesnt deserve my love or anything from me anymore. Not even my friendship. I am worth more than he has made me feel over the past 6 months. and it took me until just now to realize that. So I wave my middle finger to my past and scream FUCK YOU. cause im over it all.
I know all of you wanted us back together, but it just isnt gonna happen. I will find better, alot better. Someone who wont do this to me, or act like he is 3 years old. I will fall in love again, and i will feel that feeling again. Just not now, i dont want it now anyway lol im so happy being single and doing everything and anything i want. There are a billion boys out there, i have already met alot of amazing ones, but im just not ready to jump into something right now, Cause my heart likes being wild, Crazy, and FREE!
It was actually wierd, i hardly ever thought about him yesterday. Its a sign saying, im actually over it.
Even tho i see him every wednesday, it doesnt mean anything. He is just there. Last wednesday i would look at him and be like.. Omg wtf lol everytime im there he says he doesnt feel good, GET OVER IT. your the one who left ass hole. Maybe if you would fucking grow up and grow some BALLS than maybe you would beable to get over it, fucker.
wow im mean but only Ash Jen and Andrew understand how much i dislike him, and how much he doesnt deserve anything from me or any of us. Angie and Alex i guess just dont undersatnd.
So anyways, Ive been working on my self esteem, and its actually been Working!! I feel pretty now lol, i know im fat but i know im pretty too! well some days haha. and im starting to be my Crazy self again! ITS SO AMAZING AND AWESOME! i love myself. haha
Also i let go of my past, nothing i can do about it now. just move on, and i did that. soooooooo now i just feel free and like a weight got lifted off me, i just feel so good now. i hope this lasts lol

AHHHHHHH HOMECOMING IS TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well i have to start getting ready yo!!!!!!!!!
Ill update later hahaha

You remind me of a song i used to love

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 16:50:25 GMT

So im just getting fed up with everything. I hate rude people, people that basically dont have hearts, who are cruel and try to bring others down. FUCK YOU. go away

So im getting a tattoo soon, i was thinking maybe this weekend, but im not sure, i have to find the money for it first, Its just gonna be a star on my wrist, ive wanted it for a while.. sooo.. i think im just gonna go do it. I know it will hurt like a bitch but right now, i dont think it could hurt worse than anything ive been through.

Im so sick of these Scars, they are horrible. and Scar removal cream doesnt work for shit.

Me and Jenny went shopping yesterday, I love that girl so much!! i got 2 new shirts, and this kick ass hoodie. Youll see me wearin them around

I wrote Nels a myspace message, $20 says he doesnt write back.

Andrew broke my guitar, and i got so pissed about it yesterday.. Even tho i stopped playing cause we dont have money to get lessons, it was still my everything, i loved that guitar, and i dont have the money to get it fixed, and if my dad finds out.. well.. most of you know what will happen.

Im gonna start working for my Grandma. She does my Dads accounting stuff, so she can teach me more about it. And im just gonna do things around her house, i mean she is 82 years old, she needs a little help lol So ya that way i can keep my cell phone. thank god.

Tomorrows Youth club.. yuck.. I can already tell im just gonna be in a depressed mood.. fun fun.. Then he can walk all over me some more, and kill me some more. He doesnt even know he does it.

Does anyone care enough to just shoot me?

I couldn't call you if I wanted
my fingers couldn't work if they tried
they're so sore from keeping crossed
and tracing over cuts on my worthless arms
if I said "I hated the feeling" it would be a lie

I live in notes and photographs
and everything I'm holding back
but you're the words that weren't enough
you remind me of a song I used to love

Look at the Stars, look how they shine for you

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 23:24:24 GMT

I really wish i didnt see him.. but i just felt like i had to.

Me, Andrew, Jen, Ash and Nels went to Gameworks, it wasnt fun for me.. not even a little bit. The whole time i just wanted to drop dead, or have a complete break down. But, i keep myself together really well these days, i only sheded a few tears that no one notice.. i hope.
We came back to my house, and we gave him his cards.. idk, Me and him were avoiding eachother, just seeing him reminded me of what im missing, of how much i still feel for him.. but, fuck that shit, he doesnt even care for me. The only reason why we hung out was cause he missed my friends.. my friends, not me.

I really should be getting used to not being worth anything, not good enough, and just being left behind..

Im really sick of pretending to be happy.. I think im just gonna settle on being depressed for a few days, i have no energy to even try to fake things right now.. sorry.

Gawd, im glad i have Vodka in my closet, damn. I think im gonna go get "looped" as my mom would say it.
Alcohol, Cigs, Weed, damn its just the answer to alotta problems these days, isnt it?

Seriously.. what was I expecting? What were WE expecting?

I hate complaining, but i hear myself do it all the time. Maybe i should just start being silent, well.. actually.. i am silent alotta days now, just cause i dont really have anything left to say to this world.. gawd, when are things gonna change and get better? when?!?!?! WHEN!? fuck.

I miss you so much
and you dont even know it..

If this is love than kill me now and save me from my life.

Sat, 15 Oct 2005 12:54:35 GMT

The house is still at midnight, by one we'll be a wreck
Alcohol & bandages will soon follow this mess
Sleepings overrated, we lie awake and cry...
If this is love then kill me now and save me from my life

The house is dead by morning, as good as new again
The morning after funeral is coming to its end
Smile's arent too tempting and hopes as good as lies
>Memories are pain that lost their meaning over time<

Just close your eyes
everything will be okay

Even with all this pain i still cant cry, this life has made me numb, and when i do try to feel something.. all i think of is you, and my heart starts to slowly ache once again..
did you know that i miss you so bad?

Shit to waste the time...
1.What Time is it now? 8:16pm

2. Single or taken? Single

3.What does your name mean? I guess its Greek? or Latin? and it means most Beloved

4.Who picked out your name? My mom and Dad

5.whats your nickname? Rissa, K-rissa, Carissa May, Caris, Chris, Pink Shoe, Pea, Frick, ect

6.What color are your eyes: Hazel

7.Long or short hair? long

8.What size are your shoes? 9 1/2 or 10

9.How tall (or short) are you? 5'7

10.Honestly what do you not like about yourself? Everything, but if i had to pick one thing.. how fat i am.

13.What are the last four digits of your phone Number? 4579

14.Do you think you're cute? no

15.Hair color? Brown with Blonde highlights

16.Do you wear contacts? nope

17.Living Arrangements? Parents house with Bro

18.Favorite drink? Water

19.Favorite alcoholic drink? Vodka with OJ, not my all time fav, but it gets me drunk easily.

20.Favorite Month? Dont have one

21.Favorite Food? Germen Potatoe Salad

22.Favorite Board Game? Clue

23.Web Site? livejournal or Myspace

24.Favorite Clothing Brand? Hollister i guess

25.Favourite day(s) of the Year? dont have one..

26.Favourite color? Orange and blue

27.Favorite Animal? Frog

28.Do you have more girl or boy friends? Its about Equal

29. Are your parents together? yes

31.How often do you get together with all the family? all the time

32. Do you see your parents or your friends more? Friends

33. Anything special about your parents? My mom is seriously THE SHIT, and My dad is a pimp too, i love them so much. even if.. Whatever, you know, everyone has their faults, im not gonna judge them on theirs, so basically they are amazing parents.

34.Siblings and their ages? Brad is 21, yuuuppppp He can buy me my Alcohol bitches

35.u think you are a flirt? no

36.You're slutty? heh, no

37.do u think you're Mean? no

38.You like someone? nope

39.You can keep secrets? Yea, i can. alot of people trust me, and i dont say a word, plus i got secrets of my own.

40.You dance in front of the mirror? sumtimes lol

41.You sing in the shower? Sometimes

42.You liked britney spears? Ya

43. You've liked a cousin? hahahaha Angie remember Mountain Dew kid?!? lmao oh god goodtimes.

44. You've been in the opposite sex bathrooms? yup

45.ever hurt anyone? Yeah

46.You've been hurt? All the time

47.You swear? yup. I got yelled at in school today for saying fuck you.. Ooooppss lol

48.You get your way? It depends on what, In life, no, nothing really ever goes my way, or turns out for the best, but if i want like.. cloths or something than ya..

50. youve cheated on your last test? nope, didnt need to. i go to alternative, DUH! i can just ask the teacher for the answers and he will give them to me lol

51.What are you wearing? Pants and a hoodie

52.What color are your pants? Jeans

53.What are you listening to? Alcohol & Bandages =(

54.How are you feeling? Depressed

55.what are you doing now? this, and thinking alot

56.What are you eating? nothing

57.How's the weather? Dark and cold

58.What books are you reading? Starting Left Behind, again lol
~*GIRLS ONLY*~

60.What perfume do you use? Hollister, dammnnn i smell so good ahhh!!

61.What's in your purse? Dont have a purse, i dont really like them.

62. tall or short boy? tall

63.blonde or brunette guys? Doesnt matter

64.Boxers showing? yupp

65. Long hair or short hair on boys? Long... =/

66.What's the first thing you notice about guy? Idk.. their Eyes or smile

~*GUYS*~

67.What kind of cologne do you use?

68. What are in ur pockets?

69.Boxers or briefs?

70. Blonde or brunette girls?

71. Tall or short girls?

72. Piercings on girls?

73. Long or short hair on girls?

74. Good or bad girl?

75. What do you find annoying in girls?

76. What's the first thing you notice about girls?

~EVERYTHING~

77. Last movie you saw? In theatres, i saw "Just like heaven" with the gang and Alex when me and him were goin out.. haha that was so much fun and it was halarious

78. what did you have for dinner? Germen potatoe salad

79.What are you hoping for? nothing anymore.. hopeing is basically useless these days.. but if i had to hope for something, id hope for happiness.

80. What movie do you really want to see? WAITING! im seeing it next weekend with Alex! i think lol

81.Where is your favorite place to travel? Up north to Copper Harbor

82.What did you last dream about? Dave and Busters.. Shit happend, it was a horrible dream...

83.What was the last thing you ate? ..German potatoe salad?

84.If you were a crayon what color what would you be? Orange

85.Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Alex

86. Do you like the person that sent this to you? No one sent me this

87.Ever had a crush on a teacher? Yes, in the second grade, Mr. Z, ahhhhhhh

88. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Nope

89.tatoos or Scars? tatoos

90.What was your longest relationship? 7 months...

91.Relationship or one night stand? relationship

92. Chocolate or vanilla ice cream? Chocolate

93.Do you want your friends to write back? i dont care

94.Who is most likely to respond? I dont know

95.Who is least likely to respond? okay... i dont know or give a shit..

96.What did you do last night ? Took a walk with Jenny to the creek and talked about everything.. =/

97.Anything else you want to add? ummm Sure, i fucking hate this.

98.Time finishing? 8:34

99. movies or happy ending? what???????????????? ... dont.. most movies have happy endings? wtf.. i dont care, you pick one.

100. summer or winter? Neither, I pick the Fall.

----------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Body: Basics
:x: name: Carissa
:x: shoe size: 9 1/2 - 10
:x: hair color: blondeish
:x: siblings: 1 Brother.. Brad.
:x: eyes: Hazel
:x: college: dunno
:x: hs: Groves
:x: jr.high: Berkshire
:x: elementary: Greenfield
:x: hometown: Southfield
:x: favorite soda: Cream Soda
:x: game system: ...
:x: favorite food: German Potatoe salad
:x: favorite book: Not sure, have too many
:x: favorite pen: . . . my Orange one?
:x: favorite animal: Frog
:x: water brand: Dasani
:x: favorite show: Gilmore Girls and the OC
:x: gold or silver: silver
:x: favorite dog: Beagle
:x: favorite shirt: My White hollister Shirt, it says Hollister 22 in Orange and blue
:x: favorite sport: Softball, Soccer, or Hockey
:x: favorite fruit: Bananas
:x: favorite song: Alcohol and Bandages right now
:x: ketchup or salsa: wtf lol Im a Ketchup person
:x: favorite milkshake: Strawberry
:x: steak or lobster: Lobster bithes
:x: favorite color: Orange and blue
:x: favorite weather: ? Fall season, cold enough to wear a hoodie, but hot enough to not wear a winter jacket
:x: favorite state: Dont have one?

YOU
:x: have a crush on someone: Nope
:x: wish you could live somewhere else: Very
:x: think about suicide: no comment, but you all know the answer
:x: believe in online dating: no, thats so retarded
:x: driving drunk: wow, fuck you. No of course not, thats how my cousin got killed idiot.
:x: gay/lesbian relationships: I am for them, and Gay/Lesbian Marriages.
:x: soap operas: they annoy me, but sometimes i get sucked into one or two of them

have you
:x: ever had a friend die: Kind of? My cousin, but i considered him my friend?
:x: ever dated a cousin: ? did a hick right this?
:x: ever used a gun: yeahh...
:x: ever finished a puzzle: yeahh
:x: ever got beat up: . . . yes
:x: ever hated someone: yea
:x: ever made a huge mistake: yeahh
:x: ever jogged a mile: I did the other day
:x: ever played w/ someone's feelings: Not on purpose, but ya i have
:x: ever had feelings for someone younger: Ya but they werent that much younger than me, only by a few months

what
:x: shoes do you wear: Vans, Converse, or my Indoor Soccer shoes
:x: are you scared of: The dark, Hurting forever, and never feeling happy again.. or .. whatever...
:x: do you sleep in: Shorts and a Tshirt
:x: did you eat for lunch: McDonalds, i know.. Fattening, but whatever
:x: is love: Its everything. Its what you need and want. Its the Best thing and the Worst thing in this world.. and if you loose the person that your in love with, your world just doesnt have that much meaning anymore..

are you
:x: ugly: I think so, but some ppl think im okay i guess
:x: loveable: I dont know, i guess? People do love me? so.. yea?
:x: caring: Ya, I care way to much for some people, especailly to people that hurt me over and over again.. This is one of my weaknesses
:x: dorky: Yea
:x: cocky: not at all
:x: girly: not really
:x: boyish: umm a lil
:x: smart: not really
:x: pimp: hell yeahh
:x: gangster: gansta for lyfe haha
:x: god: i am god!!!

favorite
:x: five letter word: Swamp?
:x: comedian: MITCH HEDBERG is my Hero <3 "It keeps shit fresh. Well that's a fresher....I'm going on break." hahaha ohhh i miss cya lol
:x: candy: Reeses Pieces
:x: cartoon: Betty Boop
:x: cereal: Reeses Puffs
:x: chewing gum: Juicy Fruit
:x: day of week: friday or Saturday
:x: least fave day: monday and wednesday
:x: jello flavor: dunno
:x: summer/winter: The fall
:x: trampolines or swimming pools: both

person who last
:x: slept in your bed: me
:x: saw you cry: Not sure, Angie?
:x: made you cry: My dad
:x: you went to the movies with: The Gang and Alex
:x: yelled at you: dad..
:x: sent you an email: Leahs mom

have you ever
:x: said "i love you" and meant it?: Yup, im the one who actually meant it, i guess he didnt.
:x: gone out in public in your pajamas?: duhh
:x: kept a secret from everyone?: yup.. =/
:x: cried during a movie?: yeah
:x: at anytime owned new kids on the block? : no
:x: planned your week based on the TV Guide?: no lol
:x: been on stage?: yeahh
:x: been to New York?: Nope
:x: been to Florida?: Yup, my cousins live there
:x: Hawaii?: nope
:x: China?: no lol
:x: Europe?: nahh
:x: what time is it now?: 8:49am
:x: apples or bananas?: Bananas
:x: blue or red?: blue
:x: walmart or target?: "Walmart is the place to meet boys!" hahah Ang n Anna
:x: spring or fall?: Fall
:x: what are you gonna do after you finish this?: Get ready and than go see my grandma
:x: what was the last meal you ate?: Dinner last night, umm bread lol
:x: are you bored?: yeahh sortaa
:x: last noise you heard?: My music
:x: last smell you sniffed?: My pillow, i sprayed Adrenaline on it, ahhhhhhh
:x: last time you went out of state/province?: I dont remember lol
:x: friendship/love - what?? what does that mean lol
:x: do you believe in love at first sight?: Yup
:x: do you want children one day & if so, how many?: Ya, like 10, or 4 will do, who knows
:x: most important thing to you in a friendship is?: Trust

random stuff
:x: do you speak any other languages?: a lil spanish
:x: name some of your favorite things in your bedroom?: My bed, ahh its so comfy!
:x: whom you love: My friends and Family
:x: nickname(s): Carissa May, Caris, Chris, K-rissa, Rissa, Frick, Pink shoe, ect
:x: how old do you look?: dunno get hit on by a lot of 16-23 year olds
:x: how old do you act?: It depends on the day
:x: glasses/contacts?: glasses sumtimes
:x: braces: nopee
:x: do you have any pets?: My Froggie, 2 Cats, fish n Turtles, guinea pig

Breathin oh so loud

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 23:11:28 GMT

Lying is the most fun a girl can have
Without taking her cloths off

So today i was supposed to go to the Concert.. I thought Ashley would of went, but she backed out, so idk I guess im not going anymore, i dont wanna go by myself?
Damnit, i really wanted to go to, whatever, Maybe Jenny's paper will run late and ill go with her, but if not than im.. stayin in tonight

Next Weekend i think im seeing "Waiting" with Alex!! WOOP WOOP! I miss that kid so much lol

Im gonna stop letting everyone walk all over me. Especailly you.

Jasons becomeing one of my best friends lol Its fuckin sweet as hell

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Dreading Sunday.. I wanna just fucking back out. why do you guys wanna see him anyway?

I had a Temp of 102 this morning, omg i thought i was gonna die, i was shivering but sweating too, it was fuuuccckkkeeeedddd Up!!! lmao

Pointless update, but hey, i got nothing else to do right now.

Im gonna go spend time with my mom.. ive missed her alot, lol is that wierd? We'll probably play cards, watch Gilmore girls, make dinner, and have a girl talk.. I need some of her good ol' advice right about now anyway lol

If it was my choice, i wouldnt have any feelings for you.
but i cant tell my heart what to feel or not to feel.. fucker.

You have no clue what you put me through every single day.

>If this is love then kill me now and save me from my life<

Sometimes you put walls up, not to keep people out,
But to see who cares enough to break them down

2 New favorite Songs..

This one hits home..
Alcohol & Bandages
The house is still at midnight, by one we’ll be a wreck
Alcohol and bandages will soon follow this mess
Sleeping’s overrated, we lie awake and cry
If this is love then kill me now and save me from my life

The house is dead by morning, as good as new again
The morning after funeral is coming to it’s end
Smile’s aren’t too tempting and hopes as good as lies
Memories are pain that lost their meaning over time

Just close your eyes, everything will be okay
Just close your eyes, everything will be okay
Just close your eyes, everything will be okay
Just close your eyes, just close your eyes

Still breathing
Tear me open at the seams.
Take everything you need.
Take my heart if you like the beat,
take my lungs if it's hard to breathe, to breathe.

"I'm not cold," she said,
but she's shaking as she's lying next to me naked.
Pulled the hair back from her face to let that smile heat this place.
And this feels so far from real.
I'm lost and I love it.

I can't take it, if you're waiting.
I am ready to tell the world about a boy
who showed me love again for the first time.
And it's everything I dreamed of.

Tell me what you thought about when you were breathing oh so loud,
screaming oh so loud.
Tell me if this is real.
I need to know before I get too close.

So here we lie in this beautiful mess of tangled sheets and beads of sweat.
With my heart in your hand and my neck in the other,
should I be scared or should I come closer?
But it's still beating and I'm still breathing.
You haven't hurt me yet.

I can't take it, if you're waiting.
I am ready to tell the world about a boy
who showed me love again for the first time.
And it's everything I dreamed of.

Tell me what you thought about when you were breathing oh so loud,
screaming oh so loud.
Tell me if this is real.
I need to know before I get too close.

Morning always comes too quick when you're around, when you're around.
You leave me lying here so they don't find us out, they'll find us out.
Tear me open at the seams, take everything you need.
Take my heart if you like the beat,
take my lungs if it's hard to breathe.

I can't take it, if you're waiting.
I am ready to tell the world about a boy
who showed me love again for the first time.
And it's everything I dreamed of.

I can't take it, if you're waiting.
I am ready to tell the world about a boy
who showed me love again for the first time.