This ALL was Only Wishful Thinking!!!!!

This ALL was Only Wishful Thinking!!!!!

Carissa

[ website | MySpace ]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]

[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[Friday
December 9th, 2005 4:46pm
]

( We came together but you left alone )

1 Just walked away... Save me

Farwell to the old me [Wednesday
November 23rd, 2005 9:52pm
]

[ mood | optimistic ]

[ music | Hidden in plain view ]

I gave it alot of thought, and from now on, im gonna have a fresh start. I have no strings attached right now, no boyfriend, no real commitment in my life, i just got outta the hospital from trying to end my life, so it should tell me something isnt right. SOOOO Here's a Cheers to the New Carissa. (maybe its a symbolic thing, maybe no one will even beable to tell that i changed a little, but this is for me.)
Farwell to the old me, thats includeing this journal.

I have a new Livejournal, if you want it than just ask me on AIM
How can I ask love to hold the mystery
When just look at me
It's all push and pull collateral
I don't want to be the one who gets the next surprise
I'll plan it out this time
Though I used to think that things were meant to be

So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is working better now
It's always changing anyhow

I danced a lot of nights until the grass was wet
It wasn't over yet
'Round 'bout 3 a.m. you made a friend
And I followed a lot of vital crazy thoughts
Because it's where the meaning was
And I tried to find it every other way

So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is getting better now
But always changing anyhow

But I can turn on the charm
Show them nothing more
Than what I've done before
It's nothing much new
But it'll do
'Cause I don't wanna be the one who makes you laugh out loud
I wanna make you proud
And you always said you knew what I could be

So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is working better now
But always changing anyhow
Time
And the old me
Farewell to the old me
Farewell... </b></a>

Save me

You cant find nothing at all [Wednesday
November 23rd, 2005 11:49am
]

[ mood | happy ]

[ music | Jimmy eat World ]

Life is Pretty gooooooooood =P

Its snowing outside!! <3 awww I love the snow, I know ill get sick of it soon, but Right now, im lovin it.

My 16th Birthday is coming up in January!!! You all know what THAT means... HUGE Party! =)

Music = Life
Im so glad i got an Ipod lol

I LOVE DRIVERS TRAINING.

Im gonna celebrate the Snow with Jr and Jason later haha if you catch on... ::wink wink::

I miss Jenny, where are you my hunny bunny??

AHHH Ashley, my insperationer hahahha i love you

Pickin up the pieces of a life you BROKEN!
dunananannananana ahhhhh

Under the Cut is basically how my life is right now.. So if you really wanna know.. Push it lol
( Even if i need you here, ill meet you there )

1 Just walked away... Save me

Did i mention that it stings like hell? [Saturday
November 19th, 2005 2:54pm
]

[ mood | cheerful ]

[ music | Attention Attention! ]

Ive had a rough couple of days..
But, im glad im still here. I did alot of thinking, and my mind is completley re-newed.
Sorry that i scared all of you. I just felt like i couldnt handle anything anymore i guess, but now i know i can, so this wont happen again.
But also i have to say, the New south building at beaumont is awesome! Its really comfy, and kind of homey, it reminded me of a hotel.. sort of. without all the wires, beepings, and blood.
I hate Dennis. (minister at Ferndale) He doesnt know me at all. he can go suck a monkeys nut. (and Donna called him an idiot, lmao nice)
I havent decided yet to go to youth club at Ferndale or drop it all together.. Alex really wants me to go, and i know Jenny enjoys going.. so ill probably end up going.

I feel alot better.

Thank you for all the gifts, cards, notes, balloons, flowers, visits, and prayers.
Sorry that i did this to you guys. I guess i was only thinking of myself when i did it.. but now you guys have nothing to worry about, cause i feel so much better, and alive, and happy =)
Awww Thanks for visiting Ang, Ash n Andrew!! You dont know how much it meant to me.

So. I got this new plan for myself. I layed it all out, and had alot of time in the hospital to think about it all. So now all i have to do is take action. lol ahhhhhh

KELLY!! AHHH I WANNA SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3

Its my cousins Birthday tomorrow!! Im goin out to eat with him. He got me this really pretty necklace when i was in the hospital.. it was so cute. I love him so much <3

Drivers training is kick ass!!! I love it, but i have homework to do, so ill update more later

I LOVE ALL OF YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!

2 Just walked away... Save me

You kissed me like you meant it [Wednesday
November 16th, 2005 9:28am
]

[ mood | happy ]

[ music | Hands down ]

Alot has happend since my last update, so be prepared for a BIG post =P

Me and Jamie broke up. Its not that i didnt love him, or didnt like him, cause i still do, its just complicated. But we are best friends and still hang out <3
& Not even an hour after that, I got asked out =O (by Kelly)

Fall Rally was seriously AMAZING. I met alot of new people, and saw people that i dont get to see often. Ah i loved it!! Me Alex Alie n Ang went up and slept there from friday to saturday. It was so amazing, and JUSTEN Came!! Awww i miss that kid, but me and him are gonna partay together soon =) <3 He is so cute
I could write a billion things about fall rally, lets just say i laughed SO hard, was actually my crazy outgoing self, and wouldnt stop smiling! =) oh and alot of people thought me and Alex were going out, hhaaha We have such a Crazy relationship.
Saturday to Sunday We all slept over Angies! omg, HAHAHA that was halarious! MY MOM! AHHH! Alex like fell ontop of me. Omg so many inside jokes now lol
SUCK IT IN! SUCK IT IN! THINK ABOUT YOUR DOUBLE CHIN!
::Alex dies in the background:: haha

A Social worker came in and talked to me, made me kind of depressed.. she was like "Wow you have lost alot of people that meant the world to you all at once.." and i dunno it was just like, yup lol

SO. Do you all remember that Kelly kid i met on the hayride?? =) Me and him talk everyday, and this is exactly how i felt before i met Nels! even tho i met Kelly already, i still dont know much about him, but he already asked me out lol (i said no tho) but I dont know, he is so sweet, and cute, and i feel myself falling for him more and more. He makes me SO happy!! Im not gonna get my hopes up just yet tho, Me and him are supposed to hang out pretty soon =) and When we kiss I will know for sure if i am falling in love, again, or if it was just false hope for my heart to belong to someone else. ahhh! I feel like i love him. Under the cut is some of our conversation! GUYS i cant stop smiling!! =)

( Kelly I want your bod! )

2 Just walked away... Save me

something larger than life [Tuesday
November 8th, 2005 2:41pm
]

[ mood | weird ]

[ music | P!atd ]

I love my boyfriend <3 =) He let me "borrow" his fav hoodie, awwwwwww hahahaa
I wore it yesterday, and today.. lol

Drivers Training was yesterday!!! call me a geek, but i liked it. Me and Ang embarrased ourselves by being 10 min late haha and the teacher is about to get her vocal cords ripped out, Shes a ditz.
Im really looking forward to it tho, 3 weeks! I drive for the first time next Monday, and than Wednesday. (cough first time cough) haha I love being with Angie, we are so loud, crazy, and funny together. I seriously was gonna pass out from laughing so hard in that class "theres this really fat kid just STARRING at me!" HAHAHAHA oh god. i love you Frat, your amazing. You made my whole week hahaha

I guess i can call Bad days, Normal days now, right?
So i guess i had a normal day today. ( + & -)
- Woke up crying from a nightmare >>Used to that shit tho<<
- Frog is really dieing..
- Dad yelled at me this morning
- Ran out of Ritalin and guess what? They gave me a surprise Meap, and i couldnt finish it, cause i couldnt consintrate
+ A kid @ my school knows Chris Fundaro! and he is gonna get me his #!!!
+ No one came home with me for lunch, thank god.
+ Me and the Boys talked alot today, i just noticed lol I <3 Franky!
- Girl Drama
- Was supposed to go to the mall with Ashley, Andrew n Jen. But Andrew told them i couldnt go? even tho i never said that..? So i just assumed he/they didnt want me to go, i wasnt gonna make it a big deal so i said fine. Dont really care, just dont know why he would say that..
- Jamie and I got into a little fight, and didnt hang out today.
+ I made Keesh
+/- Making dinner with my mom tonight
+/- Its a ME night, im gonna give myself a make over lol
+ Jenny came over for a few min and showed me her hair! She is HAWT!! i love her <3
+ New gilmore girls is on tonight!! woop woop

> Time cutting socks in shreds. Left on the floor with dust bunnys. Pick up the treasure-pick it up fast. Hurry hurry, Is this enough to keep the ring glowing from the past??
Lost cause - you feel the pressure of a frogs stare. the Blank tv wieghs you down. Mr. Fixit, please i beg you, Fix this Tv of mine and i promise you can keep it when your through.
He trys, and gets all his audience to try it out too. No matching colors. "The only one who can fix this, is the one who holds the remote control. The Devil Donkey with DryErase marks on his soul"
Liar! LIAR! Bloody drawings and Muddy cloths creep up on me. Truck? is the only way to show my favorite movie once again. Sew the socks back together to find the truth in the depths of his shoe weather. <

Breath + stretch + shake
let it go

2 Just walked away... Save me

Boys like you are a dim a dozen [Monday
November 7th, 2005 11:48am
]

[ mood | weird ]

[ music | Starting line ]

Main Subject recently: SEX

Alternative high = Drama fights & Drug Addicts

"I love you"

Secrets out.

Friday >> Skipped School. Hung out with my Boyfriend. He told me he loved me <3
Saturday >> Woke up early, Went back over to Jamies house around 8:30am. I helped him with Yard work, and we got Mcdonalds. I dont know why, but i really enjoyed it..
Came home, Jenny and Alex came over. Watched Tru Calling, and laughed alot. I love Alex
I wish that fucked up shit didnt happen to me, it really messes me up, especailly when shits a joke.. =/ Sorry Jen. I love you
I snuck out with Jessie and Jamie. It was a blast, i seriously thought i was gonna die, it was halarious "The leaves! THEY'RE OUT TO GET US!" hahaha
We were all really messed up.. hahaha mmmmm Ice cream!!
Jamie makes me feel so pretty =P I love him.
Sunday >> Went out to eat with My family + both Grandmas. I actually had fun. It was one of those "Family Moments" lol
I got my RC car back! So hopefully ill get it running than Me and Jamie can race =)

Random list
+Drivers Training starts today with Angie.
+No Drivers Training tomorrow tho, so im Hangin out with Jamie <3
+No Youth club for 3 weeks.
+Fall Rally is this weekend! Im going up on friday with Ang n Alie.
+My moms making me a Doctor's app.
+One week today <3

-Its a Jenny thing-
Nose smells like you, but its cold for him. Wrap your heart up in a paper brown bag & hand it over, but mines empty. Paranoia?? The devil with blue eyes. "He is a chicken shit" & does the pettiest things. Comet Burger to find shadows of the colors. Chalkboard Erase marks on your arms. Sometimes you just gotta leap, when no one is looking. Jump. Jump. Fall and fade away to nothing. Your body crys of his presence. STOP! NO! These words are meaningless. push Reverse. fuck you. Do you feel it? #1 Actress award goes to... That girl over there, the one in the road, with the blood surrounding her. Never grow out of you. Shit happens for a reason. LIAR. I miss you. Nothing is worth being strangers.did i mention, Key chains mean forever.
did i mention??
did i mention???
DID I MENTION I MISS YOU?!?

( and he realized that he hadnt been unloved for long all his life )

1 Just walked away... Save me

Everytime i sing this tune [Friday
November 4th, 2005 1:35pm
]

[ mood | calm ]

[ music | Stephan Speaks ]

My dad hasnt said anything to me since, I feel like i let him down somehow, I dont know, hopefully getting out of the house will help him..

My parents are going to a wedding tonight, so that means Im home alone =P I havent decided if im gonna have a party or have Jamie over lol
OR i might just go over Jamies house, His parents are out of town the whole weekend!! <3 Who can say Sneaking out and Vodka? lmao

I love my boyfriend <3

I skipped school today, i just didnt feel like going.. Especailly since the past few days have been really awkward around here.. lol

SO, i hate Matt. He is a creep, i hope he leaves Jenny alone once and for all.

I have alot on my mind, So im gonna go take a long bath and try to sort shit out.

I cant wait to see Jamie today!!!!! He is so adorable. I love him!!!!!!!!!!

Save me

I almost had you [Thursday
November 3rd, 2005 5:07pm
]

[ mood | calm ]

[ music | Just like heaven ]

Yesterday was.. wow, so many words i could write to describe yesterday, ill just say it was.. wierd.

>>i overdosed a little on Prozac before i went to youth club, cause i didnt wanna break down.<<
Jenny and Ashley came with me to Youth club, and hardly ANYONE was there, it was better that way tho. I had fun, laughed alot, was enjoying myself lol and i love alex! i couldnt stop hugging him..
Also, I love singing with Jenny in church, well anywhere, but when we are singing church songs and we are the loudest ones, its just so cute, I LOVE YOU JENNY!
So Bible study came faster than i thought.. I was really nervous, my heart was pounding through my chest, and i couldnt breath, but i knew i was gonna say something.
We had to write a worry, and people we wanted to pray for on this piece of paper, So i wrote "Im worried about a number of things.. but one of the things i have been holding inside of me for a while now, but i feel like if i tell others they just wont understand, or just wont even believe me" and Dana read it out loud, and than Alex and Jenny wrote Prayers for Me.. So than Dana asked if anyone wanted to do Anointing this week, and no one said anything. Alex grabbed my hand, and so did Jenny. They both were starring at me, and Dana was like "well since everyone is starring at Carissa, do you have something to say haha" and I seriously was so nervous, i couldnt breath, my heart was pounding through my chest, and i just wanted to drop dead, but somehow i got the stregnth to actually talk, and actually say what i needed to get out.. Jenny, Alex and Ashley all started crying, but i was so numb from my pills that i didnt shed one tear, but believe me, i felt the pain inside..
After, i think everyone was in shock, and scared? I dont know, but than i sat in the middle, and Jenny started crying hysterically, everyone had their hands on me praying, and i dont know why, but i felt better, i felt alive once again, i felt actually worth something. I guess i did the right thing..
Matt gave me his phone number after saying i could call him anytime i wanted << I love you matt, thank you so much
Mike told me to call him too lol i already have his number =P
So, I told my mom, and i think she kind of already knew but was waiting for me to come to her, She didnt cry much, and i dunno i love her.
My dad was in shock, and didnt talk all day today. and Now he says he feels like a failure, because im his "baby girl" and He is supposed to protect me, but he failed. I love my dad so much.. i dont know if i wish i didnt tell him or not..
I told my mom she can tell whoever she wants, cause i honestly dont care who knows anymore. Im tired of keeping this stupid secret, its in the past, and i dont care if you dont believe me, but who the fuck would lie about this kind of thing?? honestly, who would??
So i dont care who knows, but just letting you guys know, i dont want your fucking sympathy. Thats not what im about, i hate when people feel sorry for me, im so much stronger than you think, so if you feel like making me a charity case than go the fuck away, cause i dont need it.
Also, im not doing this for attention, put yourself in my shoes, would you honestly care anymore? after everything you have been through?
and plus, you all know me, i hate attention, if i honestly wanted it, i think right after it happend i woulda made it a HUGE deal, but its just been recently where i have been opening up to people cause for some reason i just feel like i shouldnt hide this anymore, im sick of this secret, So if you wanna know, just ask me.

So im going over my boyfriends house right now =) I LOVE HIM!
Im in a good mood today

1 Just walked away... Save me

Now thats Irony [Wednesday
November 2nd, 2005 2:47pm
]

[ mood | calm ]

[ music | JENNY!!!!!!!!! ]

Jenny is over! I LOVE HER AHHHHHH!

We are going to Youth club soooooon. and i dont think ashley is coming anymore.. heh

Alex text me today randomly and it said "I love you" awww it was cute!

I miss Jamie, I WANT TO SEE HIM AHHHHHH! I love him.. hahahah

( Pain reminds us that we are still alive )

2 Just walked away... Save me

Its not like it hurts much anyway [Wednesday
November 2nd, 2005 11:23am
]

[ mood | hyper ]

[ music | P!atd ]

Last night i hung out with Jamie, and all i wanted to say was "I love you" but i held myself back, cause i know its not gonna last, but i dont know, i like him alot guys =) He makes me smile, and laugh, and makes me happy

Today Ash n Jenny are coming to Youth club with me, Im ready for this, im ready to let people know whats going on, and i am ready to finally admit that i need prayers, and help, cause i cant do this alone. I feel good about this.

I love Alex, He called me yesterday, and he is gonna be there tonight, but i just love him, he is my best friend, and god damn, I MISS HIM!

Okay, something that really bugs me is when someone trys to get all up in your buisness through other people. If you honestly WANT to know, than come to me and ask me, and if i dont wanna tell you, than too bad, you wont know. but Dont go to others asking about shit, It doesnt concern you, so let it go. Im sick of people being retarded and wanting to know EVERYTHING about EVERYONE! Cause if you really cared, you wouldnt act like a fucking idiot about my problems. go the fuck away.

So anyways, Today has been a good day so far, Im nervous about tonight but im ready. I know having Ash Jen n Alex there for me will help a ton. Im scared to tell my parents tho, I know how my mom will take it, but I wonder how my dad will..
but, i dont wanna be one of those girls who i hear about that doesnt speak up, fuck that shit, ill be different and be one of the few to do something about it.. or at least others know.

Im also trying to prepare myself for "Your a liar" and "I dont believe you, why did you make that kinda shit up?" Ive already gotten it, but it hurts when someone doesnt believe you, especailly on something like this.

So im rambleing on and on about nothing, i think its funny

My frog is dieing.. I thought it was dead today, but i picked it up and it moved a little, I fed it and gave it alot of water.. I hope he will be alright, He is my world. You all should know how much i love my frog lol

I want a doggie!!!

I love Jenny. Shes halarious
I love Ashley, I hope your okay sweetheart
I MISS THE FUCKING TRIPOD! Sleepover this weekend.. mkay??!

Im doing really good in school =) YAY for me.

This Friday my parents are going out of town for a wedding! =P and Jamies parents are going out of town for the whole weekend.. hehehehhee

I love Jamie!!!!!!!!

Him: What you gonna do with all that junk?
Him: All that junk inside your trunk?
Me: Im gonna get get get you Drunk!

lol Its love.

Ive got 99 problems and a bitch aint 1!

2 Just walked away... Save me

My heart is yours [Tuesday
November 1st, 2005 2:01pm
]

[ mood | loved ]

[ music | Dashboard ]

So yesterday I went over Jamies for a couple of hours.
In his basement he had this Fog machine, and he turned it on so that we couldnt see ANYTHING, he was sitting like 3 feet away from me and i couldnt see him lol it was awesome
We started the movie "The Grinch stole Christmas" and I told him i needed to talk, Ya i told him what happend to me, cause i wanted to be honest with him.. He seemed sad, but i cheered him up
Than I was all like "Well im gonna be the Man in the relationship" and he was like "Okay?" and i was like "Jamie.. Will you go out with me?" and of course, his response was "Yes" =P
So im not single anymore! Im taken! =) We will see how this all goes lol Im going over his house later today, i left my coat at his house lol
I love him <3

Nervous for tomorrow, im haveing alot of second thoughts. I guess we will just have to see if im up to this or not
Also ive been kinda worried/down about it.. yuck, i hate being this way.

After Jamies, Jenny came over!!! I love her so much lol We watched this movie that made me realize alot.. but than i got this HUGE urge for candy! so we put on the most randomest things and ran over to a house and did trick o treat!!! hahah than we came back but ya i love Jenny so much, shes halarious!

Today i have Julies. This is gonna be interesting.

I love this song, its how i feel exactly.
I love you Jamie

Breathe in for luck.
Breathe in so deep.
This air is blessed, you share with me.
This night is wild, so calm and dull.
These hearts, they race, from self-control.
Your legs are smooth, as they graze mine.
We're doing fine.
We're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me?
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.

The words are hushed, "let's not get busted."
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"Hey did you get some?"
Man that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close, they can't hear.
So we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me?
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember.
Always remember the sound of the stereo.
The dim of the soft lights.
The scent of your hair, that you twirled in your fingers.
And the time on the clock, when we realized "It's so late!"
And this walk that we share together.
The streets were wet, and the gate was locked,
So I jumped it, and let you in.
And you stood at the door, with your hands on my waist.
And you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew...that you meant it.

Save me

We can live like Jack and Sally if you want [Monday
October 31st, 2005 4:44pm
]

[ mood | hyper ]

[ music | I miss you ]

I know this may be stupid, I know it may only last a few days, I know what all i said about it, and how i wanna be single, I know that this may be another famous "Carissa May Mistake" but

Im going over Jamies right now, and i think im gonna ask him out. Ill update later on what all went down

Save me

Just try and stop me now [Monday
October 31st, 2005 2:49pm
]

[ mood | high ]

[ music | Panic ]

Happy Halloween

Im not sure what im doing yet, Maybe dressin up as a Twin with Jenny and partayin later?
or
Trick o treating with Random people that i find and scare little kids?
or
Maybe Just dress up and partay Next door, do shit, if you know what i mean lol

Saw II Is so pimp, i love that movie, i might go see it ANOTHER time with other people hahaa fun fun
Alex's Friend Amber is seriously the coolest chick ever!! lol I had fun, even tho i was worried about some people.. =/

So today is Monday, Tomorrow is Tuesday.. and the Day after is the big Wednesday. I know im not ready for this. This is gonna be a huge change, im hopeing not, but whenever i hope for something it never happens, Something that i got used to.

Anyone wanna trade lives???

( We'll never miss a party )

Save me

Is it still me that makes you sweat? [Sunday
October 30th, 2005 2:25pm
]

[ mood | hyper ]

[ music | P!AD ]

Don't give up you're still young and your life's just begun
At every corner opportunity screams
Sometimes life is abrupt but it's time to grow up
And stop clinging to yesterday's dreams

So i talked to Kelly today!!! He is so cute hahaha I like talking to him, and i got his sn. <3
Me and Angie and our parents went to Leos, and there was the cutest waiter there, We gave him our Sn's, i hope i get an IM from him soon ahhhhhhh!

Im going to Saw II Right now with Alex and his friends!!! im so excited! =)

Last night was halarious, Everyone thinks me and Alex are going out, or SHOULD go out, aha I love him, We ARE pretty wierd alex lol

I hope Jenny is okay, I hate that stupid motherfucker.
I hope Ashley is okay too.. Gawd, what is wrong with this world these days??

Ah Nervous for Wednesday..

My mom said Poop today =)

1 Just walked away... Save me

Make sure I know who's taking you home.. [Sunday
October 30th, 2005 8:22am
]

[ mood | happy ]

[ music | Death Cab ]

Last night was so much fun! At first i thought it was gonna be a bust, but it turned out amazing.
We had these God Games, and it was halarious. Me and Alex were together the whole time lol man i love that kid "In a minutteee" haha
Our church won Mock Rock!! WOOP WOOP! What know bitches?! haha
I <3 Pat lol he is so funny, with his stupid paper tie Hahahaha

After that We went to a Haunted Hayride! it was so lame tho, It wasnt scary and the kids doing it didnt even TRY to scare us haha, I was flirting BIG TIME, it was so funny, even tho they had masks on. One of them i was like "Omg im scared, can you hold my hand?!?!" and he did for like 10 seconds hahaha
Than there was this one guy and i was like "Heyyy boo!!!!" and he was walking next to the hay ride thing, and me and him were just talking lol and i got his #!!! I shined my phone light in his face, and he was really cute haha His name is Kelley, and he is 14, he lives in Romeo, he likes his job and gets paid minimum wage lol We held hands for like 2 minutes and than he had to go scare more people haha That made my night!!! =)
I'll probably call him or text him tomorrow, or maybe later today haha Cause im just sweet like that

World War III is over. im gonna say something wednesday, im just terrified. But whatever, i can do this.

Thank you guys for being there for me. I love you all!!!

Alex, you so halarious! I LOVE YOU! Davis Davies! haha

1 Just walked away... Save me

Theres nothing left to say. [Saturday
October 29th, 2005 9:29am
]

[ mood | okay ]

[ music | superman ]

World war III has been going on in my head for about 4 days now. and I still have no clue what im gonna do about anything. Im torn between all of these things, Especailly the one about Youth club. If i do take that step than im gonna have to do alot after that. Im really terrified, i dont wanna go through even more shit cause of that, i just wanna let it all go. Do i really want everyone to know? Do i really want my parents to know? Or, is it just finally time that people see what ive been going through. Who knows, this war will have to end soon tho, lets just sit back and see who puts up their white flag first.

Im going to this Haunted Hayride right now, Ill update more about the war later. I hope it comes to a conclusion soon, im getting sick of it.

3 Just walked away... Save me

If im just bad news than your a LIAR [Thursday
October 27th, 2005 3:07pm
]

[ mood | happy ]

[ music | Taking back sunday ]

Youth club Yesterday was, wow. It was good, i was havin fun, good time, but than at Bible study we got into this circle and did prayers and anointing. I wanted to just spill everything so badly but i held it all in. Jenny told them what's been bothering her, and like i dont know how to explain it, but you could feel gods presence there. I felt so close to everyone in the circle. So i decided.. I might spill my guts next week. I think its finally time that people start to understand what i go through.
Alex and I talked after youth club, and wow, i love him so freaking much. He is seriously my best friend, and i feel so close to him. He told me things that he said he has never told anyone before. and I dunno but we decided alot, and ya, im really looking forward to it. I love that kid, he is so strong, and amazing. He best know that lol

Today was Pretty good day, went by really fast, love my first hour with J, and the fact that its Accounting. Camilla is the bomb! and ya hahaa

Last night was seriously, a Confession night lol

I confessed my feelings to Jamie, and told him like.. everything. and guess what.. HE FEELS THE SAME WAY!! I love it, i felt this pressure just come off of me, and now i feel like, idk i just feel free and ahhhhh!! Happy! He is so cute!
Camilla-"You and Jamie were the cutest couple ever, i just wanted to cry haha"
lol i love her
but ya Me and Jamie talked, and we both have the same atitudes. Knowing it wont last forever, and we wont have like stupid Promises that wont be kept, and we both dont really believe in being "in love" so ya, it all works out, but i do love him, always have always will i guess lol Last night we said it to eachother, awwwwwwwwww!!! haha okay anyways

Today
+Hangin out with Jamie most of the day!!! =)
+Getting really waisted with Jason! YES! or maybe Jamie lol havent decided yet =P

NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!! YAY!

Gawd, i love being happy lol i think im on crack tho hahaHAHA well this was a pointless update, but i just wanted some of you to know, that you will know the truth real soon. =/

My best friends are so more amazinger than Yours.

( This'll be the last chance you get to drop my name )

4 Just walked away... Save me

All the small things [Wednesday
October 26th, 2005 2:47pm
]

[ mood | happy ]

[ music | Blink 182 ]

Today has been a good day so far
Just like all the days i have been having latley =)

I woke up at like 5am, which was pretty wierd, for some reason ive been wakeing up before my alarm clock even goes off.
Sooo I decided i wanted to look GOOD today, so i took a shower, blow dryed my hair, straightend it, put makeup on, cute cloths, and drank slim fast!
Things are even better today than Yesterday, I told J not to be wierd around me anymore, and Today me and him were flirting and back to normal (thank god) ive missed him.
I talked to People at Alternative that i dont normal talk to, which was awesome. I love my school.
All the girls kept complimenting my hoodie lol like every 5 minutes "CARISSA! I LOVE IT SO MUCH! ITS ADORABLE!" lol damn
I have a new nickname lol -Fall out girl- Only Frankie calls me that, and this morning he was like starring at me and said "Did you straighten your hair??" and i wa slike "Ya.. why?" and he wa slike "Cause you look really good" and smiled, than we all were talking and somehow fall out boy came up, so now he is like "IM GONNA CALL YOU FALL OUT GIRL!!" Damn, that boy is too cute, i love his smile lol
Its the little things that just make my day. like that ^^ and also J being himself again
Chris wants me to come to this Halloween Party with him and J, i was actually thinking about it lol =)
Last night Angie called me, and scared the SHIT out of me, She went to the hospital last night, but i heard she is home now and she is fine, just needs alot of rest. Prayers for my lover ya'll.
Today is Youth club. Im taking Alex out to Fudruckers for his late birthday dinner lol Jenny might come too! Than dumb youth club lol annnndddd thhhaaannnn HOME!!!!!!!! thank god

My mom is being really overprotective, its cute but annoying. So are alot of other people. Dont worry about Me, and me likeing Jamie lol i wont get hurt, and if i do it wont be THAT bad. so please, back off

Speaking of Jamie, i really miss him lol i wanna see him!!!!!!!!! But i cant today, hopefully tomorrow tho. If me and him ever do go out again, we are gonna be that type of couple who watches movies ALOT hahahaa
I love cuddleing with him, kissing him, him holding me, ahh i just love being with him
He is wierd, and i love it, ahhhhhhhh!!

Im on the phone with Alex right now lol
well im off to YOUTH CLUB! bye everyone

1 Just walked away... Save me

& In the night We'll wish this never ends [Tuesday
October 25th, 2005 12:52pm
]

[ mood | Happy! ]

[ music | Blink 182 ]

Homecoming was Amazing. I had such a blast, better than i thought i would. Way better than last years =)
I just wish.. everyone could say that about this years homecoming..

Im actually Happy again!!! woop woop.

I like Jamie. (again)

Ive done alot of thinking over the past couple of days. and guess what? I actually created some answers. I just didnt know i had the answers to all these questions all this time. I was just blind with fear and pain. but not anymore.

Life is a Mystery.

What is my purpose to be on this earth?? Do you know yours?

Love.

At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines, or you can live your life crossing them. But there are are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know. If you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular...

HUGE Post, + Some Pictures UnderCut!
( Hello there, Angel from my nightmare )

4 Just walked away... Save me

navigation

[ viewing | most recent entries ]

[ go | earlier ]

Advertisement